Karl Klockars

Maybe I’m a terrible patriot. Either that, or I’m not a sucker for idiot ad campaigns.

I don’t need to equate Vietnam, Martin Luther King or Rosa Parks with vehicles. I don’t need to descend to the White House argument style of saying if you’re not for Our Transportation Industry you’re against it. Ford is the Terrorists? Good idea. Sell a Malibu with that, I dare you. Go ahead.

Have you seen the new ads where Johnny Cougar is sitting on a running board, rocking out his acoustic and singing about Amurricka and trucks and all sorts of other condescending? I could have sworn it was a promo for Detroit, seeing as how I’d been watching the playoffs. Oh, and I know they’re done for the season, but screw the Yankees, too.

And these aren’t even the worst ideas they had, either. Oh, no–these were the big winners. Can you believe they thought running stock footage of a nuclear blast was going to help them sell trucks? I had read about the nuke footage online a few days ago, along with the idea that they were going to run footage of the two columns of light where the twin towers were.

Somehow I had the impression that they were going to pull both clips, and in an attempt to sound smart, I was mentioning to someone “Can you believe they were going to use clips of a nuclear blast and the lights where the twin Oh My God They Used That?” as the shot ran. I couldn’t believe it. We Kept America Rolling after 9-11, and now they’re repackaging it and trying to red-state us into a buying mood? Surely you jest.

In an era where we’re pulling money out of news outlets and running tired old reality television reruns because it’s too expensive to pay for sets and grips and lighting guys and (gasp) scriptwriters, I suppose on one level the thought of re-editing old news footage and cutting Johnny Cougar a check for a few grand isn’t too terrible idea. Except for the fact that it’s a terrible idea.

History is something that belongs to all of us. No one has ownership of it, it’s a collective experience that every one of us is the end result of. We’re the pinnacle of history at this very moment, and to wrap that up in a box, put a pretty bow on it and try to make us buy it is hard to swallow. One wouldn’t run footage of German Shocktroops invading Poland in order to sell Volkswagens, would they?

Of course not. Because the real connection is emotion. Apparently, it’s gone from warm and fuzzy to “whatever kind of response we can muster” in this kind of advertising, because I still can’t begin to fathom how Vietnam war footage is going to make me want to pick up a Silverado.

Make ‘em feel something, connect to their gut and they’ll keep it in their minds as well. How many insurance policies do you think Met Life has sold by having Snoopy dance all over the end of their commercials? And do you think the ABC Network has been affected by having the word “Disney” attached to it?

Remember when back in the “golden days” of children’s television, when puppets would take a few minutes from whatever skit they were doing, and talk all about how amazing Sugar Bloat cereal was? Or how our favorite entertainers would stop their interpersonal interactions and pause to smoke a Chesterfield, Tastes Good Like Cancer Should?

We’re a bit savvier than that now–now they have to pay them double for that. Repackage it with some techno beats, a blank white background and some flashy fabric, have Jennifer Love Hewitt bounce around a bit and say that she’s a Revlon Girl and it’s money in the bank. Just don’t ask her to try the same line in Party of Crap or whatever show of the week she’s in. That would offend her artistic sensibility, I’m sure.

All advertising is a form of prostitution. You’re buying the appeal, the sex of it. Sell the sizzle, not the steak. The feel, the idea, the image, the attraction. You’re better, smarter, faster, hotter, cooler, and so on. Buy buy buy. America needs you, citizen! Put your hard-earned post-tax income towards a large rolling hunk of Detroit’s (office space’s) hard work!

Maybe if we’re lucky, Ford will respond with some advertising revolving around Toby Keith beating up someone in a burka, and then running over a guy in a beret as he drives away in his Ford Tank-150. We can dream.