Karl Klockars

Spring! When a young man’s thoughts turn to love! And lust, and skin, and underpants lines underneath those nurse’s scrubs – sorry, that’s my morning El ride. There’s a magical window of time, which has come far later this year due to the cold, where jackets get thrown to the back of the closet, and out come the sheer blouses!

I’m sure other people have less poetic names for this short span of time, but I’ve always been inclined to call it “Spring Cleavage.” The copyright paperwork is in the mail, you lecherous bastards – this is my contribution to the world. This divine time, where even a bare ankle is worth a sneak peek – all of a sudden, the temperature soars to the mid-60’s and all bets are off.

After months upon months of having people’s shapes confined under bulky parkas, thick slacks and hefty peacoats, all of a sudden things are form fitting, flesh is poking out, attitudes start getting a little saucier, and life is once again worth living. We peek, gawk and sneak looks even if the other 11 months out of the year, we wouldn’t even bother.

A lot of people associate spring with open windows, fresh air, closet cleaning and that first barbecue of the season. Grilling meat, cold beer on your front stoop, loud rock and roll, etcetera. All these are viable signs of the oncoming fair weather, however none so evident (to the male mind, at least) as a visible neck, maybe a poke of a hip hanging out.

How ridiculously obvious can we be when the prospect of some sort of flesh is presented to us. Maybe we walk a little slower up the escalator. Maybe we wander over to the next el stop, walk a few extra blocks. Perhaps we drive a little bit slower down Lakeshore. In fact, that’s a major problem with Chicago – too much flesh at the side of the road.

In my long-running campaign for alderman (now in about its 19th month) I’ve come up with a number of ideas, but this one is golden – a long wall along Lakeshore from about Oak Street up to, say, Belmont. How many accidents would be avoided, how many necks uncraned, how many gallons of gas would be saved by maintaining full driving attention down that strip of pavement?

It happens as soon as it gets warm – people decide they need to show off what they got. And that leads down to the biggest see-and- be-seen meat market that Chicago will ever have. The Lakefront. Sports bras and Umbro shorts, shirtless guys with hundred-dollar tans and rollerblades, curvy girls in baseball hats and every damn one of them with Ipod in hand and in ear.

Every bus that goes by, every car that cruises northbound to Argyle or the Aragon or to some Lincoln Park Big-10 bar, there’s got to be someone in there hoping to see something jiggle. All this could be avoided with a long line of concrete. Sure, we’d lose the grandeur and majesty that is Lake Michigan, but hey – can’t make an omelet without cracking some eggs, right?

Side benefits of this, of course, are that if you are so inclined to wander down and scope out the skin, you actually have to get out of a vehicle and shuffle on down there yourself. Ergo – you’re getting exercise. Let your sexual desire for safe voyeurism lead you to a slimmer you! It’s win-win! I must be up to at least a dozen votes by now. c’mon.

It’ll be about 80ish by monday. Do a survey – how much cleavage will you see by the end of the weekend? I’m no scientist, but I’m going to guess that from last sunday to next, it’s going to increase exponentially. It’s hot, people feel hot, people get nekkid-er. It’s not rocket science, it’s just plain ol’ attention-getting.

Storefronts will open up, bar windows will get cranked wide open, patios will be filled with coffee drinkers and afternoon beer afficionados. Shorts will get higher, certain buttons just won’t get buttoned and maybe a peek up a skirt may occur; maybe someone will just accidentally…let it occur.

Here comes the heat wave, friends and neighbors, soon enough people are going to be sick of seeing each other again. The first person to make the cookie-cutter complaint about big girls in small clothing gets smacked, and anyone who says they’re not keeping an eye out for some visual candy in the next few days is a liar.

It’s a short amount of time, this Spring Cleavage. Enjoy it. If anyone happens to catch you making eyes at them, well, it can’t be helped. Tip them a wink, maybe a sideways smile, and turn that unhelpable glance into a compliment. Don’t sneer at that girl’s thong hanging out – she knows it’s there, man. Just be glad you’re not stuck with an eyeful of another North Face puffy parka. Go out and get some sun.

And one small tip, two words: Mirrored sunglasses. Have fun.