Karl Klockars

Case Number: 62219
Subject: White, 28 years, average height/weight
Date: Random January weekend, 2008
Reason for study: Observation of newly-urbanized subject on return to old territory

The male former suburbanite sometimes returns to his prior habitat. This subject has voluntarily left the area of his birth for reasons known only to him, but are suspected to revolve around mating issues, as well as proximity to bars and employment. Now, however, he has traveled to return to the land from whence he came.

It’s a phenomenon that happens once ever six months or so – winter motel rates seem to have some kind of effect on it, as well as the prevalence of cheap beer in the area to his return. More than anything else restraining the subject from a more regular return to his original habitat seems to have to do with sleeping arrangements.

The subject’s associates, from all of our research, all seem to live with their parents, a trait not shared by our subject for many years. We believe that the lack of comfortable couches, as well as a general disdain for being woken up in a drunken stupor by one of his play-mates’ mothers, also has a lot to do with the lack of return to this suburban den.

Let’s watch now, as he attempts to re-introduce himself into his formerly native surroundings:

“Hey, guys! What’s going on? Oh, I’m crashing at the Stardust tonight. Yeah, real cheap. Winter rates, dude! You should see the ‘Honeymoon Suite.’ It’s got a heart-shaped bed, and a heart-shaped bathtub with mirrors on the fuckin’ ceiling! No shit! You gotta see it. What’s that? Oh, as soon as you get off work, right. Cool, man, I’ll be here. Maybe I’ll get some Wendy’s.”

See how our subject reverts to profane displays of verbage as well as demeaning the attempts of a local businessperson to increase his profits with romance-themed motel rooms. Notice the increased desire for bad fast food and use of the word “dude.” Now watch as the subject rejoins his former pack and travels his old stomping grounds – the local low-income alcohol distributors.

“Yeah, dude, this place is great. I really like the snapping turtle on the wall. Did the owner kill all this stuff himself? Sweet, dude. What’s that? I can’t hear you over the Nickelback on the jukebox. You say you come here every day after work? I can see that – beers are like two bucks!”

“So your boss puts down $20 and you drink that, then you drink through your $20? Dude, that sounds awesome! Too bad your job sucks so bad. But it seems pretty badassed working in an old ice cream factory. That’s like, straight up Freddy Krueger shit right there.”

“So you dudes wanna get some White Castle?”

“We believe it to be food of some sort. But we’re not sure.”

Notice the continued references to bad fast foodstuffs. Also note the dated horror movie references, as well as the in-joking about the sub-par music on the establishment’s audio playback system. Let’s watch as our subject continues his retracing of his steps – our research shows that a similar path was taken almost exactly eight months ago.

“Wow, this place has really changed. Do they still have the big bottles of Becks? I used to drink those things all the time! Remember when I’d have like 3 and then go home, and still say that I only had three beers? [general laughter] Yeah, dude, that was awesome! And it worked, too! I was such a mess.”

“Lemme get four more Old Styles.”

“Oh, you know that girl? She likes what? How do you know that? Oh, she told you. How do you know her? Oh, she’s here all the time too, huh. That’s cool. Hey, remember when we came here before that Sammy Hagar/DLR show? Yeah, he sucked! How long ago was that, anyways? Wow. That’s like, an eternity. You guys wanna play pool?

“Lemme get four more Old Styles.”

The speed at which the alcohol is being consumed is increasing. Watch for it to peak around the time that the proprietor calls out what’s known as “last call.” The rush for more alcoholic beverages is a phenomenon that requires more study on its own, at a later date. Note how the subject constantly refers to events in their collective past to remind his compatriots that he’s still their friend and can be trusted.

An interesting point, which you might have noticed: In the dialogue between these males, note the content of the conversation about the females. The main subject pays attention to the informational offerings from the other packmates, but offers no indication that he is at all interested in the female of discussion.

We believe this to be a sign that he is entirely happy with his mate and has absolutely no intention or inclination to stray – it seems that this subject’s prospects for monogamy are excellent. Other subjects we’ve observed, once they get out of their normal territory, have a tendency to rut with other unknown females. This subject appears to avoid that successfully.

The evening appears to be slowing down. I have a prediction for the further events of this pack, but I hesitate to say exactly what – let’s just watch and see how this plays out.

“You guys wanna get some burrito? I could really go for some burrito right now.”

My assumption was correct! Although any researcher of this genus and species could have seen it coming. I can’t take too much credit, just standing on the shoulders of giants on that one.

All in all, it seems like a moderately successful return to one’s original territory, even though the subject seems not at all interested in extending this stay whatsoever. Upon rousing, the subject makes a half-hearted attempt to arrange for some early sustenance, and finding no company, returns to his new area of choice.

It remains to be seen, however, exactly how long it will be before there is another return to this territory. With every return there seems to be less and less desire to make the trek, and I predict that someday there will be very little need or desire to go back to this far-off land, away from his now-familiar urban canyons and jungles.

We also should note that in continued research, that the subject has changed dramatically from the behaviors he used to exhibit. Near constant drunkenness, limited social aptitude, relative terror around females of the species. Next to no motivation, and similar negative outlooks towards the outside world. We chalk his progress up to his mating partner. This too could be an interesting study.

Results: It seems that sometimes these subjects appreciate seeing what they’ve left behind, and it might perhaps make them appreciate exactly where they are a little more. It would appear to us that dingy hotel rooms and headaches caused by low-grade alcoholic brews are a fairly good representation of the former life of the subject, and can’t as much blame him for wanting to maintain his current status.

However, a regular reminder that one’s social status still includes friends is valuable as well. All in all, we’ll need to keep an eye on this one. More data will of course prove valuable. Now let’s sedate the poor bastard again, and dump him back near his den. He’ll be good as new in a few hours.