Karl Klockars

Sometimes, when I’m mentally sizing up everybody on the El platform, I do a quick survey. How many of us have tiny little pieces of plastic shoved into our ears? Are those tiny little hunks of wire and wizardry attached to a fancypants music box? And what, pray tell, are we all listening to on this fine frosty winter morning?

And sometimes again, I enjoy thinking to myself, “Self, what would you do if someone were to come up to you and say ‘What are you listening to?’” Would I be ashamed? Would I be proud? Would this random fictional inquisitor look at me like I was out of my freaking gourd for having a “Shuffle All Songs” go from the Drive-by Truckers into Cannibal Corpse?

“Here there be monsters.”

I should certainly hope so. I have tried for years to accumulate an exceptionally strange mix of music, and some day I do hope that someone calls me on it. I habitually have my thumb on the “Next” button ready to go in case I happen to have something shameful like Fallout Boy on for a few seconds, but more often than not it’s something respectable.

Let’s do a little impromptu research. Let’s do a short five-song shuffle. Let’s see what happens. Let’s fall in love. Strike that last one.

Song #1 – Ben Folds, Landed (strings version)

A good start. Nothing too schizophrenic so far – nothing some recent nancypants university graduate wouldn’t listen to while pining over the latest co-ed to break their heart. Not that I have that problem. I really just like United Airlines commercials. That’s all.

Song #2 – Forgotten (Lost Angels), Lamb of God

Ah, perfect. Just the type of transition I like to hear at 7:05am on the Brown Line. Presumably, were my elbow-to-elbow seatmate listening in to the treble-y tinny shrieks from my earphones, and heard them go from relaxed and groovy piano and strings to 180bpm drums and guitar, I might be alarmed. Then I’d go back to my Red Eye crossword.

“Three Down is ‘Breadbasket.’ Grrrrrr.”

Song #3 – Better Be Women, The Dwarves

Keeping the string going as far as speed is concerned, I’d be fine if someone wrenched my KarlPod away from me to observe what the hell I was listening to at this point in our selections. Not just because the song is all Beach-Boys-on-meth about girls at parties, but because the album art displayed along with it consists of two nekkid soapy models…and a nekkid soapy dwarf. Take that, Nosey McNoserson.

Song #4 – Straight to Hell / Satan is Real, Hank III

Another unembarassing yet random addition to our look into my Itunes psyche. So we’ve gone from piano pop to southern-fried metal to Cali-speed-punk to drug-country? (An album I wrote about here, mind you. Still listening to it!) What the hell is wrong with this guy? He looks so normal! Why didn’t I bug the guy wearing camoflauge shorts and long underpants, with the green hair? At least that would be consistent!

This man uses drugs. Thank God for that.

Song #5 – Devoured By Vermin, Cannibal Corpse

Let’s not count this one. Even I’m wondering what’s with me. *skip*

Song #5.1 I See A Darkness, Johnny Cash

Just the nice kind of depressing acoustic jam that I like to close just about everything with. Bass piano notes, sparse acoustic chords, wavery near-death Johnny, singing about…well, death. Oh, and he mentions “whoring.” If I had to play a song that would depress nearly everyone on earth, I might pick this one. Perfect for pulling in to work at State/Lake at 7:45. Potbelly’s Breakfast sounds good right about now.

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I’m guilty of this, anyways. I have a bad habit of being a shoulder-peeker. If you’re scrolling through your Ipod, you gon’ get looked at. Play it yourself – look at the short-cropped hairdo that’s taken posession of the suit next to you and check his personal playlist. Dave Matthews – what a surprise. And the girl with the pierced nose and cat’s-eye glasses listening to Tori Amos. Shock, amazement.

It’s not anything I’m proud of, but I can’t seem to help myself. I’m a voyeur. I like to look…and know what you’re piping into your ears. I’m still waiting for the day when I see the Powersuit Princess who’s going to get off at Washington & Wells plug in and crank up some Rollins Band or some Bad Religion. That would do my heart good.

I really want her to be listening to Slayer. Not likely.

Until then I’ll probably find myself stuck being the one switching from Guns N’ Roses (anything from Use Your Illusion II is likely) to Dillinger Four to Spoon to Cattle Decapitation to Frank Sinatra. The look that I get from the fellow shoulder-peeker next to me is usually pretty priceless. Your fault for looking, hoss. But now you know.

Do all those songs represent something about me? Maybe. Are they all songs that I like to think reflect me? Probably not. If you threw the Tossers, Type O Negative and Tractor Boy against a wall (and that’s just the “T”s!) would you get a picture of the person that listend to it? Could be. Perhaps the lesson is as simple as this – Something with that boy just ain’t right. Thanks, Karlpod Nano Shuffle. You’re better than therapy.