Karl Klockars

When we last looked into the world of the Single Guy as seen through these Married-Guy eyes, we were scanning the scene at shoe stores, crunchy-hippie grocery centers (with cheap booze) and were generally pleased with what we were seeing.

Nothing less than acres of available, friendly woman meat – and I mean that in the best way possible. Or at least the way that my wife takes the best for her. (If you’d like to take it as to be bemeaning everyone that isn’t you, sweetheart, so be it.) In any event, there was shopping, there was eating, there was drinking, there was leering. All was right with the world.

Even if you don’t score, you’ve got a cheap drunk.

So, gentlemen – have you learned from my experience? Have you gone out into the world and profited in the underpants region? Have you learned your heels from your haltertops, your Charles Shaw from your cheap swill? (Hint: 3 Buck Chuck doesn’t come in 40oz. bottles…yet.)

Well, my friends, I have returned to assist you once again. I am here to tell you the places to be that I wish I had known about. The places that are lost to me now…but could be shining jewels of the sun for you. And your headboard.

#3: It’s Almost Too Obvious (Again): Chick Flicks.

I shouldn’t have to walk you through this one. It should be self explanatory, yes? Of course. In my early 20s, I was rather guilty of only seeing things that are A) really bad or B) rather horrific or C) both A and B. See: Gone in 60 Seconds or the Dawn of the Dead remake.

So perhaps you might not think about the concept even though the title should hit you square in the face. And yet, I think most men overlook the fact that even though the word “chick” is part of the description, when was the last time someone thought to go weep into a tissue for a couple minutes and then try to get a phone number or two?

“Don’t worry. There’s no cleavage in this picture.”

I went to go see “The Other Boleyn Girl” last weekend, which should have been called “If You Think You’re Going To See Heaving Bosoms in Tight Corsets You’d Be Wrong.” I did an impromptu sociological study. How many guys are here? Answer: Three. How many women are here? Answer? At least two dozen. And this was just the matinee showing – imagine prime-time film viewing numbers. Remember when Maverick said to Goose, “This is what I call a target-rich environment?” Of course you do. You know Top Gun references because you weren’t watching Fried Green Tomatoes or whatever. Anyways, that joint they were in had nothing on chick-flicks. And get ready, gentlemen – before the movie, they showed the trailer for the new Sex and the City movie. Beware. Or…be prepared.

#4 Cute Wittle Cuddwy Fuzzy Adowable Puppies!

Another cliche we take for granted – the guy in the park, with the little Golden Retriever or Labrador puppy with the red bandanna around its neck, shagging frisbees while the owner gets all the glory…and the ladies. It’s a gimmick, right? The only thing is, you actually have to have a dog. Mostly. Sometimes you can borrow one, but then if you get caught giving it back, well, you’re not the shining knight in puppy-owning armor any more, are you?

Gentlemen, I have your solution: puppy shopping. Having been in any number of animal-related stores and shelters and vet’s offices in my last few years, I can tell you this – there’s not a lot of competition there, guys. If it’s not Amy bringing in her little kitty Mr. Peepers to get her shots…well, that’s about all there is. Except for the real butch Bear bringing in his boyfriend’s pet iguana. And hey – live a little.

All together now: Awwwwww.

Think about it – all of the perks, none of the responsibility. You get to go look at animals. Play with animals. Chat up the lonely transplant from Michigan looking to get a kitten to keep her company since she doesn’t know anyone in town. You’re looking for a nice young shelter animal to save out of the goodness of your heart. You are instantly the most awesome person in the world. And you never have to take anything home – they just “didn’t connect with you,” that’s all. Cha-ching.

Which is not to say you should take advantage of the hearts and souls of these poor defenseless creatures. Perhaps you stop by the humane society or your local PetSmart and wander around trolling for fresh girl – and you end up getting your heart taken by some abandoned little minx. The cat, you heathen, not a temptress. Again, everyone wins. And then you really are the noted philanthropist and pet-savior you’d like everyone to think you are, you cad. You dirty, dirty cad.

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I’m not saying I’m any sort of expert on these things, but I do end up daring to tread where normal males of the species fear to venture. If any of these tips do end up assisting your quest for domination of the female species, then congratulations. If not, you’ll have a new pair of shoes or two, a greater appreciation for flax-seed, a new take on early-20th-century British cinema…and a hamster. Maybe. You can name it “Nibbles” or “Chester.” All in the pursuit of love. Go forth, and prosper.