Karl Klockars

With all the constant news updates about Governor This and Governor That, Haircut this and Elvis that, Rezko this and now You Need To Pardon These Guys that, I figured that we could use a short list of candidates I’d like to see running the state.  It seems like every fifteen minutes someone else wants to impeach the guy, recall the guy, drag him out of his Ravenswood Manor home and make him sit in Springfield for more than a heartbeat.   Since I’m assuming that he’ll have a replacement waiting for him after this term, I’ve taken a few seconds to come up with a list of a few people that might be better at the gig.  And if not better, hopefully at least a little more amusing.  But even that remains a tenuous possibility.

1)  Michael Jordan.

One similarity between G-Rod and MJ is the following:  There’s probably plenty of places they’d rather be instead of Springfield.  G-Rod would prefer to be north of I-80 at all times, and MJ would probably be just as happy in South Carolina or near the Washington Wizards or anywhere but Illinois – unless he’s in Chicago, being serviced by everyone who enters his path for his years of service to the city’s sports world.

However, Michael Jordan has been dealing with millions and millions of dollars for decades now – a fact which might make him better at handling the finances of the state a little bit better than G-Rod, who can’t seem to make two nickels equal a dime.  In addition, Jordan knows how to cut a deal.   See also:  all the Nike deals, his continued shilling for Hanes (despite never having to be in the same room with Kevin Bacon – how did he work that?), and Space Jam.  The guy can get it done.  The only downside is that every piece of legislation he puts his name on, we’ll owe him at least $10,000 per usage.  He’s got a killer agent.

2)  Jerry Springer.

Okay, the downside is that the Capitol Building would be refurbished to meet the code standards required for indoor nude mud wrestling, and there would be quite the influx of inbred stripper dwarf biker Klan members to state business.  (Springer still don’t want nobody nobody sent – who do you think will be sent to Jerry?)  Wait, did I say downside?  What the sweet hell was I thinking?  All of this would be completely awesome.

And the obvious upside is that despite the rodeo-wrangling of all his unbelievably trashy “guests” the guy is actually an accomplished politician.  Look at it this way – the guy paid a hooker with a check and still got Ohio to adore him.  G-Rod could save a busful of puppies and nuns from a fiery death and he’d still find a way have the state think he’s stupid.  I don’t know if this says horrible things about the people of Ohio and a healthy attitude on the part of Illinoisans, but it is what it is.

If nothing else, it’d be awesome to see all our state Reps. and Senators pumping their fists and hollering “JERRY JERRY JERRY” at every State of the State speech.

3)  Mancow.

Just kidding.

4)  Oprah.

Everything in the state would get done by showtime, but no one would know anything about how it would happen.  But it won’t matter, because we’ll feel great about it.  We’ll also all be issued personal copies of “The Secret” when we file our state income taxes so we can think our way to more success, which will in turn increase our own income, so the state gets more revenue.  Win-win-win.

Downsides:  Dr. Phil and Rachael Ray tagging along as state emergency management officers or lottery executives or Post Office officials – places where anyone would expect them to screw it up but it’s okay if they do.  Steadman would make an excellent First Gentleman, and Gayle King an excellent first lady.  Who are we to judge?  The only other possible setback would be the occasional state contractor who “dupes” the Lady Governor with a far-fetched tale or three.  But the state will get great ratings out of it when they come to fess up and apologize.

5)  Studs Terkel

Here’s the deal – the guy knows everybody.  He’s talked to more people than I’ve met up to this point in my entire life.  And I haven’t met anyone who dislikes the guy.  Even people who have never read Terkel, never heard his name, know on some level that anyone named “Studs” is probably an all right cat.  Upsides to Governorship – an immediate decrease in Gubernatorial spending on clothes and haircuts.  Downside – increase in walker and cane spending.  Them’s the breaks.  (No pun intended, ha-ha.)

Everything that Studs would want to happen would get done.  Because I don’t know of any politician that could stand there and tell the guy no.  He’s partied with Royko.  Hung with Hefner back when Chicago was his home base.  And now some little downstate guy is going to hold up Studs’ legislation on anything?  I think not.  And there’d probably be a good book to come out of the entire experience.  Wouldn’t you support a Terkel for Gov campaign just for the artistic possibilities?  Of course you would.  C’mon.

6)  Roger Ebert

No more arguments over bills to be passed or resolutions on the floor of the House – thumbs up or thumbs down.  You want to reappropriate funds for the roads to another source?  Thumbs down.  You want to introduce legislation to rename the state flower?  A minor thumbs up.  You want to take all the money from the gas tax and build drive-in theatres on state roads in every county?  A strong thumbs up.  You want to put Rob Schneider movies on public lands on summer evening ? Huge thumbs down.

No more press problems – because Roger can’t exactly talk due to those continuing medical problems, everything is typed.  And since he’s a godblessed Pulitzer Prize winner, chances are we’ll read ‘em – and you know that the Sun-Times will support everything the guy comes up with.

7)  Tom Skilling

“Today’s legislative session will start off with a high-pressure system during the arguments for and against the farm bill, but we’ll clear up later as a front moves in fast with discussion of the state’s offtrack betting commission!  Back to you, Allison.”

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We all know that the short list for the next governor is Pat Quinn, Lisa Madigan, maybe a Judy Baar Topinka run too (sorry, Jim Oberweis!  Better luck next time – again) but a guy can dream, can’t he?  Perhaps I can throw my future-self-Aldermanic weight behind one of these runs.  Jer-ry.  Jer-ry.  Jer-ry.  Whoop whoop whoop whoop whoop.