Karl Klockars

"And now onto my ideas for the school system - hey, where are you all going?"

There’s been plenty of ink spilled and bytes transferred over the past couple days about the “Paris Hilton Energy Plan.“  Talking heads have been jawing over the past 36 hours or so, and every second of screentime has been agonized over for probably more time than it took to shoot the damn thing.

The most surprising part about it is that people seem to be agreeing with Paris.  All she’s saying is this:  “Hey guys – let’s compromise.”  Which is funny – I’ve been calling this the “My Friend Kevin” plan.  Same basic premise, but noone made a mock commercial out of Kevin. 

So there we were – sitting at the L&L Tavern at about 5 in the afternoon.  He was on his way to a concert at the Metro, and I’m just always up for drinking in the daytime.  Let the record show that this was about 2-3 weeks ago, far before any McCain ads or possible parody ads were even a gleam in anyone’s eye.

And the conversation naturally turned to gas prices – we could just as well call this the “Hey, how about those gas prices!” energy plan.  Turns out that Kevin is paying a hell of a lot of gas for his commute between Warrenville and Wheeling.  It’s a 35 mile trip one way.  Ain’t that a bitch, I said, as I not-so-silently cheered myself for my use of public transit.

If only we could harness beer as an energy source...

Yeah, it is a bitch, he said.  And then he presented me with the “My Friend Kevin” premise for progress on the energy front.  Here it is.  It’s only two words long, and yet it covers both the Democratic side as well as the Republican outlook.  He looked at me, put the bottle of PBR back on the bar, and said this:  “Do everything.”

Just…do everything.  Sure, we can let the oil companies drill in a few places – and the Democrats get their very strict environmental guarantees.  Sure, we can start subsidizing wind farms, solar power research and whatever crazy-assed cold fusion the Greens want.  Give Ralph Nader a job watching them pull oil shale out of Canada.  Just.  Do.  Everything.

And I gotta tell you, politically, it seems like a no-brainer.  Think about it – the candidate that takes on the “My Friend Kevin” plan totally wins.  Everyone gets a little somethin’-somethin’ out of it.  I know McCain is coming close to pulling on the trigger, but he’s still not all the way.  Let’s just imagine what would happen if he did go with the “My Friend Kevin” “Just Do Everything” program.

He gets credit for supporting green technologies.  He gets points for getting people to go ahead with drilling.  He gets to add to his bi-partisan reputation.  He gets to make his opponent say, essentially, “Yeah, you’re right.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  We all win.  Good one on you.”  Boom – an instant 5 points in the polls.

It would go a little something like this:  “My fellow Americans – if I am elected president, I pledge to do the following:  Everything.  Both sides get a taste.  Sweet federal cash to push forward research on technology, and a few prime spots out in the Gulf of Mexico or something to shove some tubes way down deep to suck up the oil.  Whee-haw, and it’s back to SUVs everywhere.  And now won’t those Detroit steel-dealers be happy?  America!  It’s Fantastic!™  Thank you, and God bless.”

Cue “Hail to the Chief,” and Bob’s your uncle.

Hail to the Chief, indeed.

I think the true shock-and-awe of the whole mock ad is that Paris is using words with multiple syllables, and not managing to drool on herself so much.  Ha-ha, she’s a dumb blonde, ha-ha-holy shit, she can actually communicate an idea?  No way.  Looks like I lose that 5 bucks.

Listen, Paris would probably be a pretty good politician.  She’s pretty, she’s malleable, she’s willing to do just about anything to stay popular, and she’s completely controllable by the Illuminati, the Bilder-Bergers and everyone over there at Groom Lake.  Oh, wait – that’s still a secret, I’m sure.

But the point stands – I bet she’d do well.  Let’s start her out small.  State Senator from Beverly Hills, or Malibu, or Orange County, or what have you.  Ah, there we go – the 23rd State District, represented by Sheila Kuehl. I don’t know about you, but I’m sure the fine people of Canoga Park and Brentwood would be thrilled to see Ms. Hilton proudly serving her constituents in Sacramento.  Sorry, Sheila.  Maybe I’m short-shrifting the fine people of Ventura County, et al.  Besides, I’m sure she’d love working one-on-one with Arnold on “legislation.”  She doesn’t even need to think much – a lot like other politicians.

All we need to ensure is that the writers of the spot, Adam McKay and Chris Henchy, are the ones who are in the Senate offices, and Paris can go about her day drinking mimosas from dawn til’ dusk, and vodka cocktails from dusk til’ dawn.  Everyone wins.  America – It’s Fantastic.™  What a country!