Karl Klockars

"Hi, Chicago. Ever seen a pseudo-celebrity before?"

If I were Tony Bourdain right now, I’d be glad this particular gig is over, despite the quality food – and glad I’m leaving the yokels of Chicago. I’d be wishing like crazy to get back to someplace calm and relaxed, like Cambodia or the Ukraine. At least there, people leave him the sweet hell alone. Over there, he’s just another crazy American with too much money and not enough sense. Here in Chicago, it’s like he’s the Pope (which is a parallel I made here).

Don’t get me wrong – I appreciate exactly what Bourdain has done for the world of food press. I like his TV show, I like the way he writes even more, and I hope he’s able to do his job here. I’m looking forward to seeing the episode he’s been taping here for the past few days. But with everyone falling all over themselves to get a glimpse of THE BOURDAIN, I’d be embarassed to show off the citizenry of our fair city – thank god for selective taping and heavy editing.

Is all this really necessary? Or can we all take a collective breath and, are we ready? repeat after me: “He’s just a guy. He’s just a guy. A good writer, but just a guy. He’s got a good TV show, but we don’t need to Twitter his every move.” Yeesh.

Now, I understand the converse. It’s fantastic that we have such a passionate dining culture (whoever invented the word “foodie” should be shot with the same rifle used for the author of “gastropub”) in this city, and I’m thoroughly glad that everyone is impressed enough by our food landscape that we can get a Bourdain to show up. That we have an Achatz and a Trotter, we have a Kuma’s and a Superdawg. Woo-hoo. We’re all thrilled. So – shouldn’t we be able to act like big kids and not crap all over ourselves when a BOURDAIN shows up? Do we need to track the guy to Hell and Back of the Yards, from Doug’s to Moto and everywhere in between?

"Yeah, Tony is cool. But you guys need to relax."

I should really have seen this coming – there shouldn’t be any surprise. I should get over it. Remember when Conan O’Brien did his show from the Chicago Theater a couple years ago? And the audience was a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ all the way through the shows like the circus had come to town? Embarassing. You mean whats-her-face from American Idol is downtown? Let’s shut down streets trying to get cellphone camera photos! C’mon, people. Get over it. Act like you’re the third-largest city in the country.

Like I said, it’s great that No Reservations has decided that our fair city is worthy of an hour (less commercials) of footage on the Food Network. I’m sure we’ll get far better representation than Rachael Ray ever would give – Ann Sathers? Kitch’n? Yawn – and perhaps after the dust settles, Samantha Brown will show up and walk down Michigan Avenue for 22 minutes. (But probably not in a string bikini – can’t Giada DeLaurentiis take some hints from Ms. Brown?)

But the paparazzi-like updates from food blogs around the city are sickly embarassing. Hey, Tony Bourdain is at Hot Dougs! I suppose we could have seen that coming, considering he’s written about how embarassingly stupid the foie ban was. So he’s having a foie dog with Doug. Sweet. I don’t really blame Gapers for putting up the first post of the full flurry. After being asked to move for lighting purposes,

I agreed and asked who was filming.

“It’s a Travel Channel program called No Reservations.

My belly flopped, my breathing stopped and I was somehow able to mutter “Yeah, but Anthony Bourdain isn’t really here? Right?”

“Oh yeah,” she replied. “He’s waiting in line.”

"Can I get the Game of the Week, and a photo of my neck? Thanks, Doug." And thanks, Gapers!

Gasp! What good luck! Truly the gods are smiling down upon you, food writer! Okay, I’d probably be a little gobsmacked, but not enough to take a picture of the back of the guy’s head. And really – do we need alerts on where he’s going to be every second of every day?

Word came down via The Stew (Chicagoist picked it up too) that the NR Crew were going to be at Moto, the Silver Palm and the Matchbox. Is this required? Do we need second-by-second updates on where he’s eating? Did Angelina Jolie get this kind of coverage during the filming of “Wanted” last summer? Of course not – so it’s good to see that in retrospect (or in shame), they’ve pulled the post:

The requested URL /thestew/2008/08/bourdain-does-c.html was not found on this server.

Of course, thankfully they sent someone out to bug the shit out of him during another meal – do the producers do anything other than hold cameras? Can’t they smell “food blog writer” from a mile away at this point? The Stew has the boots on the ground and at the Silver Palm:

I squeezed through the kitchen and found Bourdain standing beside his guest (and radio guy) Mancow Muller (below)…So what have you eaten?…What are you drinking?…Any place you wanted to hit but missed?

Thank god – Mancow is on the scene. You can almost smell the aggravation coming off of Bourdain in waves. Look at this response:

“Near the end of every shoot I hear about the places I shouldn’t have gone and the places I missed. I keep hearing about some beef sandwich right now.”

Some beef sandwich? Some beef sandwich? The Tony Bourdain, who’s been here time and again for book signings and to hang out with chef friends, doesn’t know what an italian beef is called? Could he be talking about some other random beef sandwich in Chicago? I call bullshit. Bourdain knows exactly what an italian beef is.

Looks good, don't it?

In this instance, “some beef sandwich” is a polite kissoff – as in, “Get lost, kid – I’m trying to eat a goddamn dinner without some foodie mouthbreather falling all over me. Can’t you see I’m trying to have a conversation with my good friend Erich Muller, the famous Chicago radio guy who doesn’t have a show here anymore?”

If nothing else, we can discern that Tony’s producers lack a “who’s this local nobody” filter, or Tony has…curious…taste in friends. Hopefully he enjoyed a few dozen Manhattans at Matchbox and the Violet Hour and can shake the dust off his feet enough to find his way back – and maybe we’ll be a bit calmer for all of it.

You know who handled themselves just fine? The fine folks of LTHForum. On a site where one errant comment about barbecue can send up dozens of posts in paroxysms of ire and angst – there’s just a 28 post thread (at this point) about the taping. Half of them just saying “hey, Tony should come here” from a couple months ago. All jaws are firmly ensconced in heads – none agape. Cheers.

Naturally enough, some of the dilligent LTH’ers found their way to a taping – and a few pictures later, it was no big deal. Take a few lessons, folks – act like you’ve been there before. Bourdain doesn’t need anyone to stand up for him, let alone some blithering fool like myself, and maybe he’s a better person than I. But if I were he, I’d be glad to head off to someplace down south, presumably to a place that lacks internet access.