Karl Klockars

Bill Murray does look a little like Daley. And vice versa.

Our fair Mayor is now back from beautiful Beijing, but still continuously muttering to himself “8 more years…8 more years then this all will be mine.”  I love the idea of Mayor Richard M. wandering about in full Chinese regalia, fanning his mouth from the burning of the spicy hot tofu mixed with fried green bean (“This don’t look like no General Tso’s!  Who knew!”) and carrying a foldable fan around geisha-style.  And oh, that Mayor Daley could look like Scarlett Johanssen.  (I’m totally mixing my nationalities – even “Lost in Translation” is set in Japan – but I can’t help the way my brain free-associates political candidates with kimonos.  Damn!  Did it again!  I wish I could photoshop.)

Also:  If you try to search for “mayor daley in a kimono,” you get a lot of interesting things but nothing useful whatsoever.  Damn the luck.

While the mayor is ostensibly in the Orient to watch some real totalitarians put on an Olympics (and, of course, to take notes on how to strongarm a city into getting the goddamn job done) I can’t help but imagine what else Hizzoner will be picking up while he’s there.  And while I’m sure all communicable diseases will be kept to a minimum, surely some sort of knowledge will be passed on.  Here’s what it could be.

1)  State Controlled Media

Imagine how eager our Mayor would be to shut down all dissent and all anti-governmental speech when he returns.  After watching local television – with closed captioning, of course – I can only picture a Mayor who wants nothing but shining positive happy fun-time squeaky clean news reports.  In fact, if we could just take over the major networks and broadcast some constant CAN TV, that’d be great.

In addition, he’d be able to delete any mention of the following with the flip of a switch on the 5th floor of City Hall:

Mike Royko’s Book “Boss.”  Meigs Field and destruction thereof.  Dissappointing test results from Chicago Public Schools.  Unflattering coverage of Chicago police officers and who they’re assaulting this month.  The word “clout.”  The word “corruption.” The word “patronage.”  The words “Hired Truck.”

And what a desired switch that would be – we’d be the envy of officeholders everywhere.  No small plans, indeed.

2)  Conscripted Labor and “volunteers.”

"Thanks for volunteering - now start digging!"

Do you think that all those thousands of drummers, performers, and other various helpers are lending their time because they just feel like it?  Because the joys of a communist state means they have been provided for so well means they’ve got a lot of extra time on their hands?  Because they just found 2,008 people that liked drumming?

Doubtful.  Instead, I’ve got a shiny nickel that says one of two things:  The State decided that they were going to blow $300 Million on the ceremonies (and still couldn’t spring for all the fireworks!), public be damned because we’ve got to be shiny and new for the world.  Or:  All of you are going to help, whether you like it or not.  Don’t like it?  There’s a camp a few hundred miles from here that needs some gravel mined.

So can we look forward to some nightly “highly suggested” evenings of help in Chicago?  A 1984-esque Planning Committee where we all gather at our local Alderman’s office to make banners, draw posters, and ride a few dozen busses down to Washington Park to help shovel out the new “temporary” park.

3)  The General Verbage of the Chinese Government

It’s not smog, it’s a “mist.”  It’s not a faked series of fireworks – they’re simply “cinematic.”  She wasn’t lip synching because the singer was too ugly, she was – yeah, she was just lip synching because the other girl was too ugly.  No way of shaking free of that one – although if nothing else, they could have just said they were doing it for the other girls’ good.  Who’d want to put a little kid up against the glare of the international media if she gots ‘dem buck teefs?

It won’t be a transit failure, it’s a “slowdown for appreciation of the Chicago landscape.”  We won’t be forced to stay off the streets and transit systems, we’ll be requested to “make a little room for our international friends and visitors.”  It wouldn’t be a civic-funded Olympic Village that would then be sold for chickenfeed to some well-connected contractor, it would be a “redistributation of housing for the better good of the populace.”  Mayor Daley, if you’re taking notes, I’ve got a lot of other ideas – soon as I get that Aldermanic seat.

*****

"Holy crap - public transit can be nice and efficient? No way!"

I’m glad the mayor enjoyed his trip to China.  I’m sure it’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing to get to hang out with a few hundred thousand athletes, press, officials, fans, politicans and the general beautiful and powerful that make up an Olympic games.  I hope he’s picked up a lot of interesting things he can return here so we can get the games in 2016.  Despite all potential downsides to a Chicago Olympics, I’m still on board for it, just because I want to see what would happen.

I’ve been watching the games since I was but a wee lad, and to be able to be surrounded by the carnival of humanity – the one time I’d want a crowd.  The whole world, for two weeks – and then they all go home.  Good times.  Besides, Atlanta already had it a decade ago, and they’ve already stolen our “most busy airport” title a few times.  I want to take something back.