Karl Klockars

First GIS result for "slutty Halloween costume." This will be fun.

Around this time each year, women in their mid-teens through late 30s ask themselves a serious question.  What kind of slut am I going to dress as this year for Halloween?  Slutty nurse.  Slutty girl scout.  Slutty cat.  Slutty teacher.  Slutty Nun.  Slutty witch.

Old hat, says I!  And never let it be said that I’m not here to help.  No, women across the country need help in their slut decisions.  I, ladies and gentlemen, am that slut decider.

This year it’s time to raise the bar, and the hemline.  Up the ante and lower the neckline.  And let’s make things a little more timely, can’t we?  After all, you don’t want to show up wearing last years slutty costume.  You’ve got to innovate!  You want to have the freshest slutty costume at the whole party, don’t you?  Of course!  Just take to heart the following simple steps and you’ll know how to make yourself a better slut…ty costume wearer.  You’re not really a slut.  You just…get to pretend you are.  Yeah.  That’s it.

1)  Slutty Mortgage Refinancier.

It does seem like it'd be cold, though.

When trying to figure out a good costume, it’s always good to start with something that’s completely evil, in the spirit of the season.  Black cat, witch, Frankenstein, Dracula…Mortgage worker.  Just think of all the lives you ruined with your over-sold No Income No Asset Loans.  You don’t have to worry about them not paying it back – some big investment firm will buy up that debt!  Sell everything you want – how could it hurt?  Those housing prices will never fall!

So how do you pull off this costume effectively?  I suggest an extremely short navy blue and pinstripe skirt, slit way up the side.  Then put on a poorly-fitting, button-missing, powder blue blouse with an extra-supportive gravity defying brassiere beneath.  (If you have a slutty S&L Officer costume laying around from the mid 80′s, you cougar you, feel free to bust that out.)  Put that hair into an up-do, wear a nice pearl necklace, and carry around huge bags of bailout cash, and wear on your face absolutely no trace of guilt whatsoever.

Sub-costume: Ditch the moneybags, pick up a clipboard and go as a slutty pollster.  Just as evil, and possibly more annoying.

2)  Slutty Drew Peterson.

Imagine the mustache - I can't Photoshop.

Or is that redundant?  Okay, yeah, this one seems a little filthy – but if you’ve got your slutty cop costume handy, just tear off the badge, get yourself a cheap pushbroom mustache, and stand next to a blue barrel all night.  Comment on how “warm to the touch” it is, when you brush your bare thighs up against it.

Truth be told, the idea of “slutty Stacy Peterson” crossed our mind for about half a second before we realized that that would be completely heartless and out of line.  See?  I do have something resembling a soul.  And when someone asks you why you went with the “slutty cop” again, you can take a second to discuss the case and solicit a donation for the Find Stacy Peterson fund.

Also, a side note – I can’t decide if Drew Peterson would be outraged by the cross-dressing aspect of the Slutty Drew Peterson costume…or aroused.  Oh god, I have got to stop thinking about these things.  Ew ew ew.

3)  Slutty Sarah Palin.

This one’s a gimme.  You don’t need my help for this one.   (But being bikini-clad and heavily armed is a great start.)

4)  Slutty Obama Supporter / “Obama Girl.”

Right now, I believe there are more pro-Obama t-shirts floating around the Chicagoland area than there are actual Cook County citizens.  (Right now, there’s an alderman working on getting those t-shirts voting rights, however.)  So it shouldn’t be too tough to get your hands on one for cheap – I think every Walgreens in the city has them for a couple bucks, or if not, they’re surely working their way into the thrift stores – if the campaign isn’t putting them there already (which would be a good move, David Axelrod).

Needs more accessories. And by accessories, I mean well-placed rips in the shirt.

So:  Get yourself one of the aforementioned t-shirts and go ahead and rip it right down the center, so you can have those blue-state breasts heaving out as best they can.  Not only do you get to show as much cleavage as you choose, but if some crazy McCainiac gets on your case during a party, you can just claim you wanted to slice into the Obama campaign.  Don’t forget your lapel pin!

Follow up with some nice bright blue tiny little short-shorts (bonus points for red and white piping up the side), some knee-high athletic socks with either red or blue stripes on them, and maybe some sort of patriotic headband, flag-based bandanna or hat.  If you’re really going for bonus points, get your significant other to dress up like Tony Rezko.  Then spend the night denying that you know the guy.  (May be replaced with Bill Ayers or Satan.)

5)  Prostitute.

It’s so obvious, most people might not see it coming.  But why not beat all those girls to the punch with their slutty X and slutty Y - go above and beyond the slut call of duty and just go as a whore.  You can dress as filthily and in as poor taste as you like.  Doesn’t matter.  There’s no going “too out there,” as Tim Gunn might say.  Tim Gunn would also probably sooner hang than watch someone dress up like a literal prostitute.  But don’t worry about him – Project Runway Season 5 will be over by the time Halloween rolls around anyways.

The next step beyond just dressing like the Slutty _______ is to follow through on your costume’s promise.  Who knows – you could go home with enough to pay off that mortgage you bought through the aforementioned Slutty Refinancer.