Karl Klockars

"First off - change the seal."

No, I’m not writing anonymously as a certain Senator from a certain State that I happen to live in that happened to get elected to the Presidency just a scant 40-some-odd hours ago.  But:  I do have a short list of things I’d do if today was my briefing on security issues and other things related to the transfer of power of the highest office in the land, nay, the world.

See, today a bunch of high-up muckity-mucks are over hanging out at Obama’s house, sitting him down and showing him all the info that he’ll need to know on Day One as far as national intelligence and security matters are concerned.  Presumably it’s a bunch of info about the war, all the Black Operations (which now kinda takes on a new meaning, doesn’t it?) that are going on behind the scenes, and all the skullduggery that the Bush administration has thrown the troops into.

So:  What would a lesser person do?  With all of the governmental things in America at one’s disposal, what would someone – someone a lot like myself – do if they had the chance?

1)  Aliens, man.

“Mr. President, what’s our first order of business before we really get going with the intelligence info?  Any questions you may have, anything we can answer right off the top here?”

“Yeah – what the hell was the deal with Roswell?  What’s in Hangar 13 at Wright Patterson Air Force Base?  What the hell was hovering over Tinley Park when everyone thought it was a UFO?”

“Ummmm….we were thinking of things more along the line of ‘Iraq’ or ‘Afghanistan.’  But okay….”

Oh, come on.  Like you wouldn’t.  It’s all those damned Unsolved Mysteries episodes I watched when I was a kid.  Even if I don’t believe it’s all the interplanetary bullshit behind it, man, I’m curious.  That’s first in the binder.

2)  Dial me in to those satellites, if you would.

"I think one of 'em lives in Dekalb now - call the FBI to confirm."

Ever since the Star Wars program kicked off, we’ve been hearing all about those satellites that can read a newspaper over your shoulder from 300 miles up, that can get a license plate number and identify you by tattoos and scars from up up up in space.

So can you log into NASA via laptop, or maybe the CIA database and let me poke around with them for a little while?  I mean, just for like an hour each night when we get to the White House, but just give me a little taste here.  Is it like Google Earth?  Can I zoom in on all my old ex-girlfriends that I can’t Facebook Stalk and see what kind of loser boyfriends they have now?  How about zooming in on those French beaches that I’ve heard so much about?

If not, we can get some work done by zooming around Afghanistan and such – but not for too long.  I want to go fly over Area 51 for a minute…  That’s second in the binder.

3)  A refresher on the reality of American history.

So, all those behind-the-scenes stories about wars, treaty conferences, high-level meetings between heads of state, espionage during the Cold War, all the goings on of 9/11 – all those stories can be told once you get behind the veil of national security.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had the opportunity to sit down with a war vet or two and have them tell you stories of what they did during the service.  Even if they’re a bare grunt, they’ve got tales of what they did when they were serving their country.  Imagine how paint-peelingly awesome those stories must be when you get to the upper echelon of military secrets, of CIA and FBI agents deep behind cover and the things they could tell you about what really goes on that no one gets to see – until you get elected president.  That’s third in the binder.

4)  A wander through the stacks of the Smithsonian.

"Elephants, schmelephants. Show me the juicy stuff."

There’s billions and billions of hunks of history in the back rooms and storage facilities of the Smithsonian institute.  No one gets to see that stuff unless they’ve got some clout, or unless they’re a scholar.  I’m not a scholar, so the only way I’m going to get back to see Taft’s teeth or those illicit Kennedy-Monroe home movies is if I’m president.  And that’s what I’m doing as soon as I can.

Maybe not at that first meeting, but once we all head on over to D.C., I’m taking that grade-A back room tour with a personal docent at every step of the way.  “You’ll be interested in this, Mr. President…here’s one of the rocks we made to fake the moon landing.”  That’s in the binder too.

“Okay, now that I know that aliens exist and they provided us with stealth technology, now that I’ve seen the second video taken at the grassy knoll, now that I have the medical records of Castro and Putin – can’t believe he’s got warts there, guys – let’s get down to business.  What first?  War?  Economy?  Social issues?  Oh, hell – let’s go back to those spy sattelites.  I want to take a look at Britney Spears’ place.  And can I take a look at her tax records and the writeups from her doctors?  I’m just curious.  Thanks, guys.  This is great!  I should have been elected president years ago…”