Karl Klockars

"Can I get a medium Slurpee, and a pack of Swishers?"

As I write this, the Obama motorcade has just recently gassed up their vehicles at a BP station just steps from my wife’s office.  A sign of the times – now we have to learn to adjust our assumptions now that we’re in a President Obama world.  My wife messages me and asks, “Hey, news guy – what are the police scanners saying about all the cops at Roosevelt and Wabash?”

I’ll admit that the first thing I thought of was an armed robbery – the South Loop is a lot shinier than it was a few years ago, but it still ain’t Lincoln Park yet.  So “fool-me-once” on my end.  I’ll have to learn to guess where our fair P-E will be cruising around from now on.

All this is to explain that Obama was cruising up to the Federal Building this morning, where presumably he’s hunkered down with a whole bunch of smart people in suits, trying to decide who’s really going to be running this country for the next 4 years or so.

Senator President-Elect, I don’t really know what to call you right now, but I do know of a few places where I can help.

Allow me to throw my hat into the ring – or rings, as the case may be.  I’m a hell of a multi-tasker and could probably take care of a lot of these things all at once.  I’m not saying that there’s a real burning need for these things to be taken care of during this time of transition.

But let’s be straight with each other – everyone’s going to be looking square at your decisions, and if you don’t have someone on hand to take care of things like what Slayer record is the best, or where to get a cheap PBR in Chicago, tongues are going to wag, sir.  I say this with all due respect, but you need me.

"Find me the undersecretary of ROCKING."

Secretary in Charge of Metal: The Obama administration thus far has demonstrated a very pro-music attitude, but that music selection has been very Will.I.Am and John Legend, and not a whole lot of Testament and certainly no representation of Dimmu Borgir.

I’m proposing that I be given a small stipend – only about $20k or so – and I’ll make a short trip to Metal Haven and stock up for you.  It’s right by my house, so I’ll take the El.  I won’t even charge you for the cab ride.  Fiscal responsibility and musical diversity.  Yes we can!

Secretary in Charge of Locating Cool Places in DC: Send me ahead on a scouting mission, and all I’ll ask for is a hotel room and a per diem of about $50 per day.  Then I will proceed to figure out a short list of places where one can manage to drink cheap beer and still survive on said per diem.  Your staffers are going to be very, very busy people.  Government employees are notoriously underpaid.  Put these two things together and they’re not going to have time to track down awesome places to be.  (Also, from what I understand, DC ain’t got many, so this shouldn’t take me too long.)

The more leisure time your staff has, the more productive they’ll be on the job.  Remove the necessary finding of awesome places to be from the equation, and the country will benefit.  I’m not just finding dive bars with PBR specials for me – I’m doing it for America.

Secretary in Charge of Picking out a Dog: English Bulldog.  Done!  And check the decision making powers over here!  (Bonus points if I can grab it from these guys.  You said you wanted a shelter dog.)

Secretary in Charge of Merchandise Design: Anyone who was downtown during your election-night rally knows that there’s no end of Obama t-shirts, hats, watches, caps, buttons, stickers, flags, capes, underpants and more.  But with all due respect to our urban businesspeople – some of them really stank.

But that doesn’t mean that we can’t appropriate some of the best and start making some official government bank off of the world-famous Obama Brand.  I’m thinking sneakers, I’m thinking I’m thinking Suits By Obama, I’m thinking Eau d’ Obama.  Hope You Can Smell.  Work with me here.  I’m trying to fund the damn budget.  We got to take every advantage that we can to try to put some cash toward this bailout plan.

Secretary of Reservations at Places I Think You Might Like: So the papers had all the stories about your dinner at Spiaggia last week.  I’m sure that good times were had by all.  And we know you dig on Topolobampo up there on Clark Street.  But I’m worried that you’re not taking advantage of everything that Chicago has to offer in your small window of time left in the city before you head off to the White House.

We'll call you Secretary of Encased Meats, my friend.

I need to get you over to Schwa, which is notoriously hard to get a seat at.  (I’m guessing using the name “Obama” is a good way to get one, but I’m willing to try to be anonymous.  You know, for security reasons.)  I’ve got to set up a special Hot Doug event where they make you a celebrity “Obama dog” (the mind boggles at the topping possibilities – Kenyan hot peppers?).  We need to make a run on taco joints and pho places.  I guarantee you’ll love Kuma’s – and the only way I can think of to get in there without a year-long wait is to make it a goddamn presidential event.  Trust me on all of these.

Secretary in Charge of Presidential Blogging: OMG!  White House staff is like sooooo pissy today!  Wanted to go hang out on south lawn and they were all “nuh-uh” and I was all “whatevs.”  Bill & Hill still totally flippin’ script over campaign debt…Lieberman is all up in my grill tryin’ to get back in my clique.  Eff him!  Totes!

I’m willing to entertain other possibilities, Senator President-Elect.  If you’ve got any thoughts you want to bounce off me, I can come by after work.  I’m only a few blocks north, so it’s no big deal.  I can bring sandwiches or something.  You game?