Karl Klockars

Like the rest of the pop culture loving world, I have seen not one but two showings of the “Britney Spears Tries to Salvage Her Reputation” special on MTV.  Come to think of it, this is the most MTV I’ve watched in the last 3 years combined, most likely.  But the other night, there I was, camped out in front of the tube flipping back and forth between Dr. House and Ms. Spears.  (What a crossover episode that’d be.  The super-diagnostician vs. the worst case of post-partum depression ever.  Someone get FOX on the line!)

Over the course of the 90-some-odd minutes that it was on, in between advertising for her new record and her nine different fragrances (“Mmmm!  Bubblegum, cotton candy and sweat?  Smells good!  Put my name on it!”) , I came to a conclusion.  In comparison to other completely insane celebrities out there, I have to give Britney credit:

She went insane on her own terms, as herself.  Not many others have the balls to do that anymore.  I’m looking at you, Beyonce.  You too, Mariah. 

Throughout the whole special, of course, my wife and I were heckling her the entire time.  “Whaaaaa!”, we’d say.  “Whaaaaa!  Poor super-rich pop goddess getting taken around the world all the time!  Whaaaaa!”  But at the same time, I could see how the kind of lifestyle would drive someone batshit crazy after a while.  You don’t really get to be you, even in the can.  There’s always the fear over your shoulder that someone’s going to slide a camera under the stall and get the million-dollar photo of you dropping the deuce.  That’s no way to live.

Search for a Red Eye logo, and this is what I find. Kismet.

(Point of reference: About 2 years ago I was in the Red Eye’s little “Five on Five” reader-participation thing, where you get to insert your short 1-liners about sports into the paper and have it all over the city in their free rag.  All day I walked around wondering – “Is anyone going to recognize me?  I’m in the freaking newspaper!”  Not a one.  But to walk around with that mindset – times about 80 billion – must get pretty heavy from time to time.)

When you look at some of the other “divas” out there, it makes you think that being rich, pretty and famous is a sure fire ticket to those rooms with rubber walls.  But at least Britney went froot-loops as herself.  Look at Beyonce.  She has to make up some ridiculous “Sasha Fierce” second-life to play some music that she thinks she otherwise wouldn’t be able to.  What’s stopping her from having the wherewithall to say, “Look.  If I want to do freaking polka-hop I’m going to do it.  It’s my life.  I’m Biznonce.  I do what I want!”  But no – there has to be this ridiculous schizophrenia induced by a lack of spine.  Worst of all, “Sasha Fierce” is like, the weakest fake name I’ve ever heard.  Why not something equally ridiculous, like “Max Power?”

This goes double for Miss “Mimi” Mariah Carey.  Someone who really did go apeshit insane around 2001, circa the “Glitter” fiasco.   Here’s a woman that really did have to be treated for “exhaustion” (which is to crazy as “assault on a woman” was to rape in decades gone by)and came out of it pretending she was some sort of alter-ego butterfly-lady, Mimi.  She obviously couldn’t hack being herself anymore – so here comes the second person out of nowhere.  It’s just so….convenient.  Yes, “The Emancipation of Mimi” came out in 2005.  That means that the process of the record started somewhere in 2004, and presumably the idea came to her sometime after “Charmbracelet” released in 2k2 and recorded before the loopiness.  It’s a strange, insane timeline and I can’t believe I just spent like ten minutes figuring out where exactly Mariah went crazy, but I did.

Look at it. It's almost a recruiting poster for complete insanity.

The dual-identity diva is so pervasive that they made a few billion dollars off of Hannah Montana, a girl who is part normal chick, part international superstar singing sensation.  It’s like they’re previewing the eventual descent into insanity that Miley Cyrus is more than likely to devolve into.  But – how awesome would it be if we got some sort of Jekyll/Hyde total split person out of Miley?  Like, successful teen pop star by day, homicidal prostitute murderer by night?  Man, you can’t make that stuff up.  (Even though I just did.)

This is why I have the respect for Britney that I do.  Not only did she go way more visibly crazy than anyone else, she did it right out in front of anyone, and she did it as herself.  I doubt it even occured to her that she could just say something like “I’m researching an acting role” or “I’m becoming a different persona for my next album” or so on.  She just said “woo-woo-woo” and jumped in the ocean in her underpants.  End of story.

And the head-shaving, and the umbrella attacks, and the bad behavior and the substance abuse – we haven’t had a legitimately crazy celebrity in a while.  I think we all owe Britney a debt of gratitude, for the soap opera playing out before our very eyes, day by day.  (And maybe we should send her kids a few bucks for the therapy bills, too.  But I digress.)  And she did it unapologetically, as herself.  Cheers to that.

Someday I’m going to write that screenplay I have rolling around in my head about what Ms. Spears should have done in the post-head-shaving world of hers.  Where she jumps in the cargo van, gets a whole bunch of bad tattoo work done (preferably using a paperclip operated by someone hopped up on speed) and starts playing punk rock songs in bowling alleys across the country.  Until then, I’ll have to imagine what could have been – but with a tip of the cap to the beautiful insanity.