Karl Klockars

I didn’t use to be this way.  I used to be the guy in the back at the table with his arms crossed.  Every now and then, someone would poke me on the shoulder and always start with the same address:  “C’maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.”

“Sing something!”

During no point in the evening would I speak, smile, interact with humanity, or even move save to lift my drink to my scowling face.  Were I to imply that I might be a smidge open to some sort of interpersonal contact, another person might very well come poke another shoulder and nasally slur into my face another “c’maaaaaaaaan.”

Fast forward to the present day:  now not only do I consider karaoke as an appropriate weapon against humanity, I also use it.  I also find that I know enough about it to feel okay advising those thousands of lonely pony-tail clad gentlemen who travel about this land, PA system and CD rack in tow, dragging themselves from bar to bar, sharing the joy of singing.

Aside:  It’s funny that public speaking is the number one fear in the universe, but karaoke thrives.

So:  I’m certainly no expert on this stuff, but I know what works and what doesn’t in terms of the performance aspect.  Consider these points of reference for the karaoke guys in the audience.  I’m looking at you, Guy With The Soul Patch.  And you over there, Guy Who Drives The Conversion Van.  And oh yeah, you bet I’m talking to you, Overweight But Still Thinks He’s A Rock Star Guy.

Here we go, karaoke kings – pay attention.

First off, no one is at the bar to hear you sing.  I don’t care how much you practice your Creed at home, if I’ve got my table’s paperwork in line to do a half-dozen rousing renditions of Huey Lewis tunes, I for damn sure don’t want to hear your warbling of “With Arms Wide Open.”

It is the height of arrogance to decide that instead of doing your job and pressing “play” on the CD player, you’re going to pop in some Rod Stewart or some Kid Rock and “show these drunks and song-murderers how some real singing goes down.  Don’t do it.

Second – if you have people lined up and ready to sing, the last thing you want to do is slow it down.  Your job is to create a party.  A good time.  To get some momentum going to the evening, where each and every performer wants to get up and whoop the ass of the previous drunk who just tortured that Christina Aguilera song half to death.

Therefore:  if you’ve got people lined up to rock out, don’t waste their goddamn time.  Don’t play songs in between each person.  Don’t play a half a song in between.  Don’t do anything except haul that next inebriated girl in the tube top up with her friends to sing the “Fame” theme song for her birthday.  Get their asses up there.  If we wanted to hear Piano Man again, we’d turn on the lite-rock radio station for 15 minutes.

I have been to bars where there will be 15 minutes of “singing” versus 25 minutes of pointlessly sitting and staring at the wall, or worse – at NTN Trivia – waiting for something to happen other than the Pony-Tailed guy standing around texting his bandmates and picking his ear.

Pony-Tail Guy:  OMG still @ karaoke but making ppl wait 2 sing.  playing RlngStnz song so can txt 2 u.

Pony-Tail Guy’s Fat Bass Player:  awesum!  its cool that we cn use yr karaoke gig as band txt time.  lets tlk choruses for new song.

Pony-Tail Guy:  omg i kno.  hang on – have to get Dawn up hr to sng Vn Mrrsn.  Fking h8 Vn. Mrrsn.

Die in a fire.

Thirdly, your job is to provide a mix.  A variety.  A soundtrack for the evening.  So just because you get three pieces of paper at once that call for songs with a near-death tempo and lyrical themes that range from “I hate my life” to “I’m really sad” to “Please pay attention to me,” it doesn’t mean you have to have them up there all in a row.  Do you know why?  Because in addition to those people hating their lives and being really sad, they’re also craving attention in the worst way.

Here’s my suggestion:  lose those slips of paper.  Just lose ‘em.  Forget they exist.  Listen, do you think you’re bound by law and honor to follow those things in order?  You’ve gotta be kidding me.  Look, I work in radio – do you think everyone that calls in gets told that they’re next in line to be on the air and just hang on?  Hell no – we lie.  We lie our asses off.  Just about every minute of every day.  “Hey, that’s great – we’ll pass that on to the host.”  That’s as nice as it gets in terms of “shut up and get off the phone line and stop wasting my time.”  Got it?  You have the same power.

“It’s coming up soon.”  “It’s somewhere in here – do you want to put in something else?”  “I’m sorry, I must have lost it.”  All of these are things you can use to BS your way out of another oversensitive bawling of Fiona Apple songs.  Use them.  You’ll thank me.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from the Association of Annoyed Occasional Karaoke-goers Who Also Write On The Internets.  The website for AAOKWAWOTI will be forthcoming.