Karl Klockars

Hi there, first time caller, long time listener.  Er, reader.

Hey, could you do me a favor?  Just one small, tiny little solid?  You know where you have the space for (useful) and for (funny) and those other tiny little radio buttons?

If I asked really nice, could you put a few in there called (dipshit) and (useless) and (total errors of logic) and (you couldn’t be stupider)?  Is that a possibility at all?

I’ll hang up and wait for your answer.  I’ll also be restraining the urge to stab my monitor.

Look, I don’t really like Yelp all that much to begin with – between all the stories about how you manipulate the reviews of businesses that don’t pay up, and the tendency of the majority of your users to be exactly the kind of people I choose not to associate myself with in regular everyday life, I pretty much count on you to help me find a street address when Google maps doesn’t satisfy.

But then, like the proverbial car crash, I get roped in to seeing exactly what kind of verbal carnage is going on below the basic stats.  And when I keep in the front of my mind the constant thought that these places are the lifesblood of the proprietor, their family and their whole existence, it drives me nuts that you disallow any response to the truly slackjawed.

Today, I found a bar.  I don’t remember which one but it doesn’t matter.  One of your resident dumbasses decided that the quality of the establishment they were at was directly reduced by the fact that they had an argument over a Smiths song while there.  Someone’s small business was deemed slightly less palatable because her taste in music sucks.  This strikes me as something that I should be free to dispute.

But no.  People Thought This Was (2) Useful (2) Funny.

I’m sorry you think that RandomBar stinks because your relationship with certain humans is both tenuous and imperfect.  Life is unfair.  But don’t blame the messenger or the medium.  Where are your stars?  Why can’t I dock you a star because a brick just fell on my foot and I happened to be looking at your review?

The lack of an ability to respond directly to people is what keeps you from being truly useful.  Someday someone is going to come along with a service that also has a goofy name, and they won’t try to strongarm businesses for sponsorship, won’t manipulate reviews, will be transparent by tenfold and allow people to interact with each other.  Then, perhaps, people will say:

“Hey, remember Yelp?”

“Yeah, it was like Friendster, right?”

Also:

If you happen to review a bar, and you’re giving extra points for the presence of the Tamale Guy, turn off your computer and walk away.  That’s like giving credit to the church for the fire department showing up.

If you’ve ever posted something just to tell a story about falling down in the bathroom or vomiting on the establishment’s front door, you’re part of the problem.  May lightning strike your cable modem dead.

If anything you ever write on there contains the word hipster, yuppie, Trixie, Chad, or any other north-side-centric social demarkation, you’re not helping.  If it’s their fault or the establishment’s fault for them being there, it’s your fault for staying.  Blame yourself.

Maybe you’ve written solely to discuss how the clientele were “dressed like total sluts.”  Okay, I’ll allow that.

And I was just about to shut down this particular screed of bile and go enjoy my Friday, but by god, I might have found the highlight – some terrific dipshit just gave a place 2 stars because his friend’s car got hit by a drunk driver on the way there. I imagine this same person getting shot in Humboldt Park and then suing Taco Bell.

But, Yelp, you do actually do one thing very well.  You tell me what’s nearby.  If I want to go to X and find a Y near there?  You’ve got it!  If I’m getting a drink at Q and I might want a taco down by R, and maybe someplace for S&T along the way?  You know it.  You’ve got one algorythm that justifies your existence.  Now, if I could only find a plug-in to block everything below your Review Highlights, we’ll be in good shape.

People Found This Mess of Frustration (0) Useful (0) Funny.