Karl Klockars

As I write this, it’s just about 3pm on the first Friday that seems mostly decent outside.  I’m finding it hard to think of something to blither about aside from things like beach sand and spring cleavage and outside beers.

So perhaps this is as good a place as any to set out a series of summertime pledges.  This winter I swore to myself up and down that I was going to go skiing this year – and completely failed.  So I’ve got a good string of non-followthrough to live up to.

Every year joints around town put up huge lists of things to do outside, and there’s the like-clockwork al fresco dining lists, and beer garden stuff.  Yee-haw.  If it’s good enough for the media goose, I suppose it should be good enough for the little-guy-blithering-into-the-stratosphere gander.

Without further ado, here’s the “Things You’d Be Doing If You Were Me This Summer” list extravaganza.

1)  More Public Near-Nudity.

I discovered the joys of the Montrose Beach last year, and probably spent a solid 4 or 5 afternoons out in the hot summer sun of Chicago.  We were surrounded by pale, overweight men, women of all shapes and sizes, and none of ‘em spoke a lick of english.

So it was damn near the south of France, minus the nudity of course.  A bunch of people wandering around in microclothing, playing with dogs and a steak taco cart tooling around on the sand?  It was beautiful.  So I plan on being there far more often, with way less on.

I was rocking the kneelength shorts last summer just because they were on sale at Target or something.  But since my beach is so worldly, I’m seriously considering going Speedo.  That, plus the fact that each summer for at least the past decade, I’ve sworn to myself that I’m getting a tan.  It’s never happened, save for a few good burns.  This year – you’re going to see one dark swede by the end of August.

2)  Eat a lot more barbecue.

I’m not talking outdoor grilling or anything like that.  I’m talking low-and-slow, porky goodness cooked over real wood or a reasonable facsimile.  And I’m going to venture into the terrifying and impenetrable South Side to do it.

I’m going south of Madison.  Hell, I’m going all over the place.  Lem’s BBQ.  Barbara Ann’s.  Honky Tonk BBQ.  Uncle John’s and more.  I’m going to worship at the altar of the Hot Link and Rib Tip.  This weekend I’m busting out the Alton Brown indoor-rib recipe because I can’t afford a $300 smoker and I don’t have a backyard to sit in and get stewed while watching my meat slow-smoke.  But it’s all going to start with some baby backs, some low heat, and at least a few trips to Honey One.

3)  Drinking in the afternoon.

We kicked off the 12 hours of spring that we get this year with an afternoon drinking festival in which a group of dedicated individuals drove up to Wisconsin, bought a ton of Spotted Cow and Summer Shandy, and started in on them at about 11am.  12 hours later, we were all done in but not overdone.  Like the man says, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start early.

It’s been scientfically proven by me in a limited study that afternoon beers are some of the best beers that one can have – other than early morning beers or stolen beers or work beers.  A sunlit beer-fueled afternoon is much better than the longest boozed-up evening.  Lazing around watching the world go by is superior to the city falling asleep while you prove how cool you are at the 4am bar of your choice.

I don’t need a 4am bar.  No one does.  I would, however, like an open-at-7am bar or 3.

4)  Slayer.

I found out that Slayer was coming to town this summer, which thrilled me.  I then found out they were playing at the huge-assed shed in Tinley, which depressed me.  So to offset the disappointment of not getting squeezed into the Metro or the Aragon in the height of summer heat (packed in with sweaty metal dudes who stink of transmission fluid, cheap weed and stupidity) I’m going to just have to listen to more Slayer.  Very loudly.  Before my wife comes home.

5)  Ride.

I used to own a motorcycle.  I don’t any more because I’m too much of a sissy to take ‘em on the streets.  But I do have a bitchin’ ten-speed that I’m going to take a whole lot more places this year.  Starting with the beach, then to Green City Market, then to bars, then to restaurants, to the aforementioned barbecue, to whatever the hell I want.  I’m going to pretend I’m 11 years old and the bicycle is the key to my freedom.  I’ve got a helmet, so watch out world.

I’ll watch out for buses in the meantime.

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So, if summer contains at least a few of those, we’ll be in good shape.  And in about 4 months, I’ll probably be wondering why I’m so pale, and so on.  Then I’ll come up with a lot of things to do in autumn that I can ignore by winter, and so on.  It’s good to have traditions.