Karl Klockars

I understand the concept of creating a brand and sticking to a public persona, but there are certain people out there in the public eye that, were I the Emperor of Just About Everything, I would flick on the ear and very loudly whisper to them, “Knock it off.”

Here are some of them:

John McEnroe can’t yell at people any more.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

When I was a kid, there were already Peanuts comic strips that had been out so long that they were in anthologies, about John McEnroe’s temper.  If the joke is so old that it’s gone off the newspaper page and into a published book of Peanuts comics, perhaps it’s time to stop being that guy.  However, it doesn’t appear to be stopping any time soon.

Very recently I saw a commercial – I believe it’s for a rental car company – starring John McEnroe.  And guess what the pretense of it was.  That’s right, he was supposed to scream about something.  Because his temper is just soooooooo bad.  Is anyone in this day and age threatened or scared by John McEnroe?

Additionally, any ad person who pitches this kind of spot to their bosses should be fired immediately.  If you think it’s creative to have John McEnroe screaming at someone in 2009, the industry has moved past you.  You’re fired.

Robert Downey Junior can’t be a junkie any more.

I read somewhere about Robert Downey Jr. taking on a role as Sherlock Holmes.   Okay, no problem.  Then I read about how the role was going to play up Holmes’ use of drugs like opium and I believe cocaine.  It was there and then that I decided that RDJ can no longer ever play any form of either junkie or ex-junkie.

RDJ (I get tired of typing his stupid name) from here on out, must play someone with healthy attitudes towards drugs and alcohol.  No part of any of his future characters will be allowed to espouse a strictly sober attitude, nor will he be allowed to be a messed-up drunkard.  The occasional drink at a party, and maybe a cigar or pipe from time to time.  They guy has been sober since 2001.  We have so many other addicts and screwups to focus on, so let’s let RDJ’s former troubles with addiction fade into the background.

Other than that, just pretend to be normal, Mr. Downey.  Like the rest of the ex-junkies in the world.  Except for Steve-O.

Speaking of….

Bam Margera can’t break anything else, ever.

I get it.  Your schtick is that you break stuff.  Congratulations.  But it’s old, and MTV is apparently done with you, so you’re either well on your way to John MacEnroe style advertising (“I’m Bam Margera and when I’m done breaking stuff, I clean it with my Swiffer Wet Jet!”) or general obscurity and nothingness.  Not that there’s anything wrong with nothingness, but I see Mr. Margera as the kind of small child who, when ignored, will cry louder and louder until you finally just hit the little bastard.  And then the small child is glad you’ve at least acknowledged him, and begins his brattery once again.

So:  if I may suggest Mr. Margera go back to directing videos for obscure Norwegian metal bands, and give up his career of breaking things.  It was fun when you were 22, wasn’t it?  Now you’re damn near 30, same as me.  I’m not standing around on a porch drinking Busch Light talking about how awesome you are any more.  Maybe it’s time to realize that you’re not that awesome anymore.

The world has moved on.  Get a broom, run your bar (which up until 2 seconds ago, I didn’t know you owned – congrats!  Maybe you’re a half a step ahead of me) and hopefully we won’t see you ever again.  Your main contribution to society will most likely be the rash of heartagrams that idiots tattooed on their forearms in 2006.  Thanks for that.  Have the common decency to fade away, if you please.

Finally (and this is in no particular order),

Ozzy can’t mumble any more.

At least not in advertising.  The joke that Ozzy Osbourne can’t talk is at least 8 years old at this point.  While it seems that cellphone company after cellphone company is lining up to make a mumbling Ozzy commercial, I’d like people to realize that Ozzy can infact string together something resembling a coherent sentence.  It just sounds goofy.

I remember radio stations doing a “What the hell is Ozzy Saying” contest back when The Osbournes were still fresh and new on MTV.  That was in 2002.  The show has been done for 4 years now.  If I gave you a product to sell that was new in 2002, you wouldn’t be interested, would you?  So why should you use something that old to sell something new?  It’s the same idea.

Not to mention the fact that when you’re making that lame, tired gag, you’re also poking fun at the fact that Ozzy was totally high and on a dozen different pills during the whole shoot.  The Ozzy-can’t-talk commercials are the equivalent of going onto an “Intervention” set and making fun of the methhead on the couch in front of his family.  It’s not funny, and you just look like a dick.

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This is all post-scripted with and “If you ask me,” which I know you didn’t.  I’m not trying to be a hater.  I’m just callin’ em as I see ‘em.  Mostly, if advertising people would stop being “advertising people,” we’d all be better off.