Karl Klockars

I wrote this about a week ago and it never found a home.  I wrote it for radio, never made it on the air.  Passed it around to a couple people, never made it to the interwebs.  I’d like to tell myself that it’s just because there wasn’t space, but there’s a very good chance that it just sucks.  Anyways, you tell me.

I’ve been toying with the idea of becoming a playwright, but I’m apparently terrified of failure and will grow old to become the guy that never did stuff.  But thought about it.  So perhaps putting this out into the unverse will be the kick in my ass to write more than just one page of my “50′s teen monster movie meets crime mystery meets historical murder drama mixed with inspiration from beach comedies” musical.  It’s a Musical!  (Although I doubt I could ever beat the Dracula musical from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.)

Anyways:  I present to you, an imagined conversation between one Oprah Winfrey and one Mayor Richard Daley.  Aaaaaaaaaand…Scene.

————————————-

NARRATOR:  It’s a beautiful day in Chicago…the sun is shining…the pigeons are squawking…Michigan Avenue is shining like the jewel of the city that it is.  Two of the city’s most powerful citizens, Mayor Richard M. Daley and Oprah Winfrey, are meeting at City Hall.  It seems that Oprah has a request to make…

DALEY:  Hi, Oprah!  Good to see you!  You know the drill – kiss the pinky ring!

OPRAH:  That might fly with your other peons, but not with me.  You kiss MY ring.

DALEY:  Okay.  [makes kissing noise]  Now, let’s get down to business.

OPRAH:  Wait a minute – Boots too.

DALEY:  Only for you, Opes!  [kissing noise]

OPRAH:  Great!  Much better.  Listen, Richie – can I call you Richie? – I need you to shut down one of the busiest streets in the city, on one of the busiest travel weekends of the year.  Make it so.

DALEY:  But Oprah!  Oprah!  Why would I do that?  Do you need to shop there?  I can make that happen!  I know people!

OPRAH:  No, Richie.  I’m going to tape a show here on Michigan Avenue.  I’m going to do it on Labor Day weekend.  And you’re going to make it happen.

DALEY:  What?  I have to call Streets and Sanitation!  I have to get extra cops!  I need to have EMTs on hand!  That’s going to cost me millions and millions of dollars!  Oprah, I’m going to need your promise that you’ll pay for the whole thing – if we can even do this!

OPRAH:  I’ll give you a little over 50 grand.  You’ll take it and you’ll like it.  Just tell the city that that’s all it cost.  They’ll buy it.  I’ll make them swallow it whole and like it.

DALEY:  Oh.  Okay, yeah, you’re probably right.  Can I make an appearance on the show?  I don’t know if you’ve heard about it or not, but I’m trying to get the Olympics here.  You’ve heard of the Olympics?

OPRAH:  Yes, you fool!  I’ve heard of the Olympics!  I cryogenically freeze myself every night in my subterranean lair, but that doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention to the outside world!  I just haven’t seen it in a few years.  This is actually the first time I’ve been outside since that Obama thing in…[TRAILS OFF]

DALEY:  It’s called Grant Park.  It was in Grant Park.

OPRAH:  Yeah, that’s it!  That place.  Anyways, did you know they had these things out there called “port – o – potties?”  They’re outside, and when you go into them you—

DALEY:  [cutting off OPRAH]  Right, yeah, I’ve heard of them.  Listen, anyways, Oprah, I can try to make this happen for you, but I’m going to need something in return.

OPRAH:  Fine, what is it?  I’ll send my clone.

DALEY:  You have a clone?

OPRAH:  Of course.  Don’t you?

DALEY:  Um…I have a city council.  Pretty much the same thing.  Anyways, look – I’m going to need to you to go to Copenhagen for me.  I need you to sell the International Olympic Committee on getting Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics!  Oprah, will you do that for me?

OPRAH:  Sure.  I haven’t been to Copenhagen and I’ve been talking with them about changing the name of the city to Oprah-nhagen.

DALEY:  Look, if you go to Copenhagen, I’ll shut down the street, I’ll close off the river, I’ll shut down the whole damn city if you just get me the Olympics!  I must have these games!  It’s the one thing my father couldn’t deliver to the city and I must have them!

OPRAH:  Right – because like your father, I got a President elected.  How do you like that?

DALEY:  Yeah, I saw that.  Listen, what do you say?  Can we work together on this?

OPRAH:  Richie?  You got a deal.  [laughs evil-ly]  Ha hahahahaha!  Hey, do you want me to call Barry about this?  He might be free that week.

DALEY:  Barry?  You mean…ohhhhhh….Oprah, I like the way you think.  [laughs evil-ly]  Bwa-hahahahahaah!

[BOTH LAUGH TOGETHER]

NARRATOR:  And so, a great partnership was born.  Streets were closed, a grand show was put on for the citizens of Chicago, and the games were pursued.  Oprah returned to her heavens, and all was right with the world.  Just another day in the city of Chicago.