Karl Klockars

I have, to this point, not said a damn thing about the Jon and Kate and Whatever because Joel McHale and the fine writers at The Soup have covered the whole thing in 20 second chunks that give me all the information that I need to know.  Beyond the latest “she’s got a bad haircut” and “he’s pretty much king jerk of the world right now” one-liner, my need for Gosselin information is minimal.

However, I do subject myself to the Today show on a regular basis before I hit the road in the morning, and as such, end up getting a direct feed of reality-TV-parent heroin shot directly into my eyeballs every now and again.  Today was one of those mornings, and I had a thought or two that needs to be discussed and I might be the only one to bring this up.

Thus, this is a Public Service Request Message from myself and all rational-thinking individuals to TLC, the two twits that call themselves parents, and everyone who considers themself a socially minded individual.

I am not concerned about who is sleeping with whom, about what wardrobe is being worn by whom, who stole what money from what bank account, or whatever teary-eyed horsepucky is being sold to the national media that day.  What I am concerned with is those 8 little tricycle motors they’ve spawned.

It’s not so much that I’m concerned about their wellbeing.  They’ve got more going for them than just a couple ill-prepared parents keeping their eyes on them.  They’ve got a whole crew on-site at all times keeping them from eating drain cleanser or getting abducted by the guy in the van with the candy.

What worries me is the world around them when they hit mid-puberty and those little animals get a collective dose of hormones and go apeshit.  Between the way Dad is galavanting about Vegas pretending that he invented printed t-shirts, or the way Mom is more concerned with bank accounts and tv appearances, those kids are going to lack any sort of real parenting and those kids are going to have their own gang hiearchy by the time they’re 12.

Sure, they seem small and darling right now.  And I’ve never seen the show, so these kids could be the best behaved animals ever introduced to domestication.  But I’m telling you, with what I’m seeing, I envision a criminal family enterprise of unimagined proportions in the next dozen years or so.  The mob will have nothing on this actual family of ne’er-do-wells and miscreants.

They may be dressed in onesies or toddler getups, but there are leather biker jackets, and micro-minis in those kids future if they don’t get some stuff situated.  Right now they may be working on “one two three” but they’re just baby steps away from turning those numbers…into a numbers racket.

It’s not that I think they’re bad kids.  I know nothing about them.  But I do know that when parents are more into themselves and their own little me-me-me world, they tend to take the eye off the ball when it comes to running their children and their world.  Not to mention that when the eye of the Great Beast God Television gets cast upon thee, you start to move your mindset to “what does my hair look like” and “someone will tell me if I have something in my teeth, right?” instead of  “Hey, Tyler, stop pulling Jessylynn’s hair” and “If I have to come over there you’re not going to like it” parent-y things.

Join me, if you fear for the future.  Rise up and say with me as one:  Get these kids off of television and into the watchful care of a parent that can give them the attention they deserve.  Because if no one acts now, their neighborhood will be graffiti covered, windows will be broken, backyards will be vandalized, dogs will be kicked, and those little girls are going to run roughshod over neighborhood boys.  They won’t know what hit them.

And guaranteed, somewhere there’s a TLC executive producer rubbing his hands together and thinking, “God, I hope so – It’ll make such marvelous television.”

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AND:

If you’re the guy that owns the Ed Hardy line of t-shirts, you’re probably already resigned to being the go-to wardrobe for douchebags, but don’t you reach out to this Jon guy and tell him to knock it the sweet hell off?  If I ran Ed Hardy, I would pay him millions to wear the other guy’s brand.  I’d buy him Hanes tees for life if he just quits wearing my clothing.

It’s reverse product placement.  Not that I’d ever purchase an Ed Hardy piece of clothing, but the fact that it’s now been branded as “stuff that that jerkstore Gosselin guy would wear” means that I’m going to go the extra step and immediately judge anyone that I do see wearing it.

Just saying, Ed Hardy guys.  You’re not doing yourselves any favors by letting this continue.  Do yourselves a favor.  Get yourself a “cease and desist wearing our stuff” order to whats-his-face, posthaste.