Karl Klockars

When I did a year of book-learnin’ at Loyola in 1997-1998, I was more focused on where to purchase alcoholic beverages and which girls on which floors of my dorm would or would not talk to me.  (Answer to the latter: All but 3 fell into the “would not” camp.  Sad trombone.)  However, in between all that necessary knowledge is hidden some other stuff like a info from couple philosophy classes, knowing where the place on campus was where you can yell but not hear an echo, and this – the cost of one El ride was a grand total of $1.50.

I remember this because I remember enjoying how simple the transit math would be.  $3 to get anywhere you wanted to go and back, plus transfers.  Not bad to have a whole city opened up before your suburbanite feet, ready for exploration.  (In reality I think I went to the Lawrence stop for a Pantera show once.  That, and I’d go downtown to take a train back to the suburbs.  That’s about it.)

Now the CTA wants to have each trip on an El or on an express bus cost $3 to go one way.  I’m not sure, but that sounds like pretty much a 100% increase over ten years.  I couldn’t exactly tell you what we’ve gotten for that doubling of price in the last decade.  I do know that I’ve got some nice fresh stops on my Brown Line commute in the morning.  I’m not sure that was paid for by my $2.25 at a pop, but I have a hunch it wasn’t.

(My 5 minutes worth of research here at work do nothing to help dissuade that idea.  Still, let’s just assume that candycanes and unicorns helped fund the new CTA stuff.  Oop- strike that.  We “received a Full Funding Grant Agreement (FFGA) from the Federal Transit Administration (FTA) on April 13, 2004.”  So sayeth Chicago-L.org.  Ta-daah!)

Anyways.  The CTA apparently needs a shitload of money, and they can’t figure out where it’s going to come from.  Obviously we’ve proved that people will continue to pay out the ass – the fact that more people have been riding than ever before proves that, and that in the face of getting the Chicago Card benefits jacked around as well.  All of us silly non-driving yuppies who don’t want to ride their bikes 20 miles round trip every day can’t keep the thing running on our own, apparently.

So since we go through this every year, I thought I’d suggest a few thoughtful ideas to fill the gaping hole that we call “the budget for the Chicago Transit System.”

1)  Sell the Naming Rights.

It works for baseball fields.  It works for broadcasts.  Why can’t it work for the CTA?  We’ve even thoughtfully changed the names of the El lines in advance of this plan to easily-sold colorful themes.  My Brown Line commute, brought to me by “What can Brown do for you” UPS could net a solid $10M a year, right?  Pair that up with a short spot every 30 minutes or so.  “We took you to the Kedzie stop in 35 minutes.  Imagine what we could do with your shipping.”

See?  I’m even writing your copy.  This one’s a freebie.  Gonna take a bit longer to figure out the Bryn Maur stop and how to sell Revlon lipstick there.  (First thing to come to mind with “red.”  Work in progress.)  Give me a few weeks and $20k of cash.  I’ll get it there.

2)  Put bars on the trains.

When all else fails, turn to vice.  Put a bar car on each train on each line or at the very least a vending machine full of Old Style cans a a few bucks a pop.  Airport traffic alone will pay for the installation in no time on the Blue and the Orange lines.

Either that or legalize smoking weed on the CTA but only on a platform or a boxcar open to the elements on the end of each train.  Conditions won’t be pleasant but you’ll be packed from dawn til’ dusk and then some.  I realize that barely anything is keeping someone from picking up a 40oz. of High Life and then swilling away on the train as it is, but if you give some people the legal option to have a $4 Miller Lite on the ride home then they’re going to take it.

3)  Blow the goddamn thing up and start from scratch.

One thing I haven’t heard anyone discussing is another tax on drivers or some other group of people who don’t really use public transportation.  The best way to prove that people in cars benefit from things like trains and buses is to take everyone who usually takes them and put them smack dab in the middle of their daily commute.

Just guess how quickly they would be down on their knees begging to hand over a few cents per mile or per gallon of gas to get all of us off their roads and back on that public transit.  Every last one of us would be in your way, and while I’m an uncommonly excellent driver (cough) not all of us are and we’ll probably make your life hell.  Hope you enjoy radio or brought your Ipod because we’re slowing your ass down!

Not only that, but it’s damned foolish to keep thinking that a system set up by a con artist in the 1800s is the best way to get us around.  I will help dig holes myself if that’s what it takes.  The Metro in Washington DC handled about 8 billion people last inauguration day.  It wasn’t comfortable but it was almost no worse than being on the Red Line at 8:40 on a Tuesday morning. It might be problematic but the world is already laughing at us over this whole Olympics thing.  Destroying our public transit system isn’t going to make us any less of an international laughing stock, so let’s just say “eff it” and push down the plunger on those boxes that are attached to the dynamite in all those old cartoons.

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It’s not much, but it’s a start.  My consulting fees are perfectly reasonable and I’ve got just as much experience running the CTA as the new guy does, so give me a ring, Mr. Daley.