Karl Klockars

Living the dream. In 5 years they'll sell you real estate.

This is the time of year that we collectively prepare for the release of under-dressed tarts and skanks around the bars and clubs of America.  Halloween used to be a PG-rated romp around the neighborhood with a pillowcase full of candy and a vampire costume.  Now it’s Rated R for Graphic Sexual Content and very likely, Glowing Cocktails Served in Test Tubes at Clubs by a Girl Dressed As A Mummy With Well-Placed Gauze Over Her Naughty Bits.

Some of us are thrilled about this.  People who construct plastic pimp outfits for the millions of uncreative guys across the nation are certainly thrilled as they are every year.   And an enterprising businessperson could turn a nice dime if they were to produce any one of the following costumes.

You may recall that last year, we here compiled a list of what the educated slut was wearing as a costume.  Last year, the Discerning Slut could go out on the town dressed as a Slutty Mortgage Refinancer.  A Slutty Drew Peterson.  A Slutty Sarah Palin.  (Those were the days!)  Or even…an actual prostitute for one night only.  This year?  What will the Discerning Slut leave the house as, and come back home as at around 9am, perhaps after brunch?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you this year’s Guide to Halloween Costumes for the Sluts of the Evening.  You’re not really a slut.  You’re just pretending.  No, really.

1)  Slutty Town Hall Meeting Attendee.

If you can't tart this up, you're doing something wrong.

They were all the rage in August of this year, and although the fires have burnt down somewhat the hatred is still in there.  So why not capitalize on the cultural zeitgeist that the Town Hall Screamers worked so hard to create, and sass it up a bit?

Start with some khakis, artfully ripped enough to show off some thigh and maybe a little ass.  Then top with a denim shirt open at mid-torso to show off either your tight McCain/Palin tshirt from last year or your wifebeater stained with the sweat of hard capitalistic work or blood of the peons you crushed on the way to the meeting.

Carry a clipboard packed with right-wing talking points that include “what happened to my country” and “______ socialism _______ Obama ________ guns.”  If you can’t find a microphone, grab a bullhorn and while delivering an impassioned yet completely rude speech toward your host, simultaneously remove your clothes.  If the right wasn’t so uptight, they might have used this tactic this summer and Olympia Snowe wouldn’t have bailed on them.

2)  Slutty Iranian Protestor.

Bombthrowing is always sexy.

Skimpy green tshirt?  Check.  Banner written in arabic?  Check.  Cellphone to tweet protest updates to the world on?  Check.  Thong and high heels?  Check and doublecheck.  You didn’t think they were just fighting for an accurate vote count, did you?  Hells bells, no – those crazy Iranian kids just wanted to get scandalous like the rest of the Western world.  You’re not truly free until you can shake yo’ rump in public without fear of reprisal or nasty stabbing.

You might think this is disrespectful to the people who took to the streets and their Tweetyspaces this June to protest election fraud and demand recounts and insist on freedom.  But what could be more of a demonstration of freedom than the personal freedom to show as much of your body as you legally can?  And in some cases, going beyond legal limits.  Because you’re a freedom fighter.  Freedom to show your butt.  Fight on, sister!  Throw a rock for all of us!

3)  Slutty Chicago Olympics Supporter.

Come to think of it, marathoners are a little scandalous themselves.

I was downtown the morning of the announcement of the IOC vote.  It was pretty much a happening shindig up until about 10:25 or so, when Chicago got bounced out like a Glee float in the Macy’s parade.  Nice song, nice dance, but you’re messing with the rest of us.  So cry, baby.  Cry.

There were quite a number of folks waving banners, wearing orange t-shirts with the 2016 Chicago support logo or whatever, and so on.  You know what was missing from that crowd?  More cleavage.  Hot pants.  Micro-miniskirts.  Do you know what you can do to right that wrong?

This picture alone ensures at least a dozen extra hits to this page.

For you, the dream still lives.  The hope for the Olympic Games in the Chicago city limits still glows in your chest.  And Rio may be known for drugs and violence but it’s also known for its international sluttiness and below-the-belt hairstyling.  If there’s still a chance for Rio to say “screw it” and send the Games up to us, it’s likely to take its form in the scandalous costumes of the remaining 2016 supporters.

Take a “We Back The Bid” banner and wrap it around yourself.  Wear nothing else. Either that, or artfully place those 5 rings symbolizing unity and peace and all that jazz.  Put them over your bits.  Or just dress like a beach volleyball player!  All of these would be an acceptable Slut-lympic uniform.  USA!  USA!  USA!

4)  Slutty Glenn Beck.

A buzzcut hairdo matched with a straitjacket and nothing else is an easy choice this year.  Then cry all night, alternate that with screaming about fascism and then back to crying.  If you can’t do this while drinking at the same time (yes, Beck is on the wagon but you shouldn’t be if you attempt this) you’re just not trying.

If I could photoshop Glenn Beck’s head onto a supermodel lingerie-clad body, I would, but I think the internet would explode.  And no matter what you do, don’t GIS “glenn beck + supermodel.”

One final note:  We know that being Michael Jackson is a popular choice this year, but it should only be considered if you’re going for “frightening” as a costume theme.  If you’re considering going as a slutty Michael Jackson, there are some things that are just too tasteless to consider.  A slutty Michael Jackson costume is not endorsed or suggested by the Costume Guide for the Discerning Slut.