Karl Klockars

I might be the only person in Chicago to offer this likely-contrary opinion, but on this Thursday, a week after “Couples Retreat” has exploded onto popular culture like the wannabe “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” shitbomb* that it is, I present this thought to the Universe:

Vince Vaughn creeps me out.

At one point, I will grant you, he was the posterchild of “cool bro-type friend” and while I wouldn’t say all women wanted him and all men wanted to be him, the character he created of  “semi-charming guy who says witty stuff really quickly” worked for him for a few years.

But somewhere around “The Breakup” he began the transition from “cool guy hanging out at the Holiday Club” to “hulking, sullen-eyed joyless oppresive sense of foreboding.”  While Mr. Vaughn might not be interested in that opinion, I think it’s a pretty good thing.  Very few comedic actors get the chance to take a complete right-turn on their career and zig when the world says you should zag into “Fred Claus II.”

Now, I hesitate to criticize without offering some sort of constructive commentary.  So, presented for your perusal, some possible new roles for Vince Vaughn to play, without his goofy everyman charming schlub schtick.

1) Sexual Predator.

In no way am I implying that Chris Hansen and Vince Vaughn will ever have an uncomfortable sit-down on Dateline NBC.  But, if someone is filming a movie along the lines of “Hard Candy,” where a pre-Juno Ellen Page tracks down a pedophile and tortures him, spare a thought for Vince, huh?

He’s not the slender ladies man prowling martini lounges in 1996 anymore.  The many years and hard miles have put a certain thousand-yard stare in the man’s gaze and a terrifying meatiness to his hands.  Imagine how horrifying it could be if Vince played a character that was borderline retarded, with that thick heavy eyebrow ridge shadowing some hollowed-out eyes, staring at a yard full of kids from behind a row of hedges…

I know it’s Halloween soon enough, but that’s really scary.

2) Garbageman.

And I’m not talking about the funny, laugh-at-the-yuppies kind of “Men at Work” trashman.  I’m talking about the thick-neck, meathead angry white man who spends his life picking up people’s shit for them.  Someone who has not only not told a joke in 5 years, but someone who hasn’t even heard one.  It’s too early for jokes when you’re cleaning out slop from a restaurant dumpster at 4am.

This could be a sort of “Falling Down” moment for Vince.  Garbageman picks up people’s shit, garbageman takes people’s shit, garbageman ain’t gonna put up with this shit no more. Garbageman fights back.  Garbageman strangles some rich guy and moves into his house and won’t move out and then blows it up around him with all the rich guy’s shit.  It’s a think piece.

3)  Hobo.

There’s got to be a transformative tale of a beat-up, raggedy hobo riding the rails in boxcars who goes on to create a sex-toy company and makes millions, isn’t there?  If not, there should be.  And Vince needs to play the stereotypical hobo.  Knit hat, big scraggly beard, patched pants, knapsack over the shoulder, and maybe a Benji-looking dog that tags alongside of him as he travels the nation.

You know what?  Scratch the sex-toy company creation.  That’ll be another movie.  I would pay money to watch a hobo Vaughn wander the country learning about the grandeur of America.  Meeting interesting people and teaching them about love and freedom and not judging people by their appearance.  He plays a wicked harmonica, or a mandolin, perhaps.  And the hobo Vince plays…is a mute.  That’s right – not a word.

4) Pornographer

Now let’s bring back the sex-toy company.  Or, even better – remember the character of Dino Velvet from everyone’s favorite Nic Cage Snuff Film movie, 8mm?  That dude was pure sleaze, and if Vince Vaughn played Dino Velvet we would have seen 2 Dino Velvet spinoffs already.

This would be the exception of the quick-wit-dialogue-boycott in this list of potential characters.  For pretty much all of Vince’s career, he’s been the charming lovable scamp who gets away with murder.  Now wouldn’t it be great to see him take that skill and become a filthy scumbag manipulator of men and women alike?

There’s got to be another story a la Boogie Nights out there somewhere, some sordid tale of cocaine and sex and evil people and sex and general filth?  Anyone?  There’s got to be someone in the porn industry that can string together 90 pages of story with a little help and some pick-me-up powder.  I’m thinking of casting that “Girlfriend Experience” chick along side of Vince.  What was her name?

Sasha Grey.  That’s right.  And then Vince can engage in an on-set romance with her and it’ll be tabloid gold for a few months and everyone is happy.

—————–

I’m sure Vince is a great guy.  I would be happy to drink a couple beers with the guy at Loafers while we watch a Crosstown Classic.  He can root for the Cubs, I’ll holler for the White Sox, he can show me the naked photos of Jen Aniston he keeps on his cellphone, we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh.

But in terms of professional choices, Vince?  Gimme a call.  We’ll talk.  We can even write one of these into existence if you like.  You wrote Couples Retreat, which doesn’t really bode well for the experience, but hey, what the hell.  Let’s live a little.  But you’ve gotta pull the trigger, Vince.  It can be scary to branch out in Hollywood sometimes, but what can you look forward to in the future?

A Four Christmases sequel?

Reach for the stars, Vince.

* The full review hasn’t made it into the Your Movie Sucks files, but it’s the first photo on the page so it can’t be that long until Couples Retreat gets the full YMS treatment.