Karl Klockars

I know, I know.  I just saved the CTA.  But I’m not done yet.  I’ve got some other thoughts that need a home, and considering I spend at least 90 minutes on the cursed thing every work day, you’re lucky I don’t have a 50k-word novel on the subject.

The noted state senator Ricky “Hollywood” Hendon (a name more suited for a football running back or a child sitcom star than any sort of Chicago lawmaker – or not) appeared on a Noted Chicago Morning Radio Program to talk about standing in the way of the death of the “Free Rides for Seniors” program currently handing transit away to our area elderly.

He said something to the effect of: “Why are we trying to take rides away from our poor seniors?  These are people who are trying to decide whether or not to feed the cat its cat food and eat it themselves!“  Seriously.  The cat food argument.

I’d love to meet these poor seniors that have the time and money to take transit to grocery stores to purchase this cat food, but haven’t figured out how to deal with food stamps, food banks, church suppers and outreach and so on.  I realize life is tough, but I’d like to meet some of these Whiskas-ingesting seniors.  Maybe these seniors just like cat food, Mr. Hendon.  Perhaps you didn’t think of that.

So what is the answer?  Obviously we must give away free rides to cats.  Any cat that would like to ride the CTA will be allowed to do so for absolutely no charge.  If these poor cats have so much in common with our underprivileged (and very privileged alike) seniors, then shouldn’t they be allowed to sit on a train for no cost?

HENDON ARGUMENT: They’ve got to eat cat food every damned day as well, and that can’t be a great thing to deal with, right?  Taking away the free rides for cats is cruel and government shall not do it!

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From there, every cat owner will be allowed to ride for free as long as they’ve got their cat with them.  We can’t have cats running around willy-nilly around the trains and buses.  They’ve got to have a human patron and sponsor on hand to control the rampant kittyness.  And we can’t have our cat-food-eating cats left uncontrolled, can we?  Free rides!

CHICAGO POL ARGUMENT: We can’t allow our feline friends to have uncontrolled access and control of our public transit system.  That’s why it would be cruel and heartless of government to allow our vulnerable, easily hurt cat friends to travel alone.  Free rides for cat owners!

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After that, friends and relations of KittyPatrons also ride for free, as long as they’re with a kittycat and their KittyPatron friends.  People get lonely and feelings get hurt on the Chicago El system and the buses are no tropical holiday either.

CLOUTED IN ARGUMENT: You wanna free ride?  You gotta get us some signatures, and don’t forget to get out and vote when we need you to.  And as often as we need you to, if you take my meaning.  We didn’t make you block captain for no reason!  And if we need you to bust some kneecaps to get good folks into those voting booths, then dat’s-a what you’re gonna do.  But:  If giving free rides on the CTA to anyone who’s ever even seen a cat is what it takes, then…well…you know.  We all gotta make sacrifices, you know?

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Really, all we need is a politician with the backbone and the social conscience to get this done.  If only we had a governor like, say, Rod Blagojevich.  Now there’s a guy who stood steadfast in the face of sanity, looked the state in the eye and said “I am such a total whore.  I know seniors all vote, I know there’s a hell of a lot of seniors in the Chicago area, and I’m going to give them a couple reasons every day to vote for me.  One when they ride a train, and then when they ride it back.”

“Sure, we haven’t actually thought about this scheme.  No one has looked at it at all, I’m tacking this on at the last minute because no one would dare vote against it, and it’s going to be the slimiest thing to ever succeed in state politics. (Maybe.)  But damnation, I’m the governor.  I’m going to throw these people a bone and you’re going to like it.”

Thems were the days.  And these could be great days again – as soon as we get some opportunistic, everything-for-myself hacks without an original thought in their head.  It’ll be free rides for all before we know it, and then we’ll truly be living in the utopia that people like Blago and Hendon have earned for us.

Keep fighting the good fight, friends!