Karl Klockars

I awoke this morning to a story on the ol’ NYT discussing the Federal Trade Commission taking on those Free Credit Report guys (you know, the ones who pump out those annoyingly catchy commercials that you hate yourself for singing all day).  Turns out that The Man is looking into the idea that maybe these guys shouldn’t be selling you what you can actually get for free.  Who knew?  Not Ben Stein, that’s for sure.

I’ve been in a position for the past few months where, in my advertising-heavy job, I get stuck listening to these three gentlemen musicians complain that they continually get screwed by their own short-sightedness.  My question (and one that no one seems to have asked yet) is:

How stupid are these guys?

But it is pretty catchy.

I mean, first you get your identity stolen and you have to work at a seafood place.  I get that.  Bad things happen.  And the first time something like this happens, you learn and you move on.  No problem.

But then after that, these guys went out to buy a car – and again, were shocked by the fact that their credit was terrible!  Either these guys aren’t listening very carefully, they’re not taking their own advice, or they’re hocking a terrible product.  Or they’re all complete morons.

Pretty cool hoody, too.

So now they’re driving a terrible car around and trying to pack their band gear into a Geo.  I’ve driven bad cars before and worked at restaurants, and my credit was just fine, so maybe they’re just making terrible decisions with their lives.  It could be.  But to go from identity theft, to a cheap car, to living in your basement with your new wife?  That just smacks of incompetence.

I would imagine that if you’re a spokesperson for Free Credit Reports, you would be up on your credit, right?  And going into a marriage, you might do an invoice on your money to see where you’re both at.  This guy must be terribly charming, because apparently he wed some chick without her even knowing that he had no money, a bad car, and a stolen identity.  And now it turns out that she defaulted on some credit cards? I fail to understand why I should follow your advice on my finances, when the woman you take to be your bride suffers from the same poor money sense that you seem to be cursed with.

I wonder if she ever even checked out his rockin’ bachelor pad, because she seems awfully upset doing laundry in the garden-level apartment while he wiles away the hours rockin’ out with his buddies.  Singing about the credit reports he continues to ignore.

Nice wall of electronics, dude.

So maybe with all that, he was simply blinded by love.  The timespan around all these ads is within just a few months, remember.  They could have been dating for a while, planning the wedding and then he gets hit with all these financial woes.  Poor guy, right?  But at least he’s got a good attitude.  Keep singing your song, buddy.  Things will get better, right?  They’ve got to!  No one who writes and performs such catchy jingles could be kept down for long.

And then he’s serving drinks at a party for some hip-hop guy.  Not only are we having to deal with your interminal incompetence with money, but now there’s some undercurrent of race thrown into the mix.  I don’t need that coming from you, sir.  Not one bit.

And then he can’t buy a bike.  The jerk behind the counter sticks him with some old gross 3-speed with a goofy basket.  That car must not have lasted long, but at least he’s being thoughtfully green, riding all over town.  But if that’s the best you can do in terms of bicycling, you’re not even trying, Free Credit Report Guy.  You’re a musician – I guarantee you’ve been on craigslist?  Get yourself a stolen bike off someone for $20 and get a little bit of your self-esteem back.  You keep letting the world defecate all over you and you keep singing your stupid tunes.  No one can be that dumb, right?

This wardrobe, not so great.

Now you’re playing at a renaissance fair.  Now you’re just trying to make us mad, aren’t you?  It’s like you’re intentionally ignoring everything you’re telling us to do.  Haven’t you checked your own credit yet, Free Credit Guy?  It’s been weeks and weeks, and you’re still stuck around lutes and goats and pointy shoes?  Dude, your mom is there and she looks pretty upset.  I don’t think she raised you to be so completely blockheaded.  And what’s she doing working at a Renn Faire anyways?  Maybe it’s genetic?

"Whee! I'm broke!"

From there it just keeps getting worse.  You can’t afford a cellphone so they sell you a brick.  But you’ve got enough money to buy a ticket to an amusement park?  Those things are like 60 bucks these days!  You’d think that would be able to put a down payment at least on a decent bicycle.  And there’s funnel cakes and sodas to be purchased at those parks – that’s like another $40.  I don’t have the time to tell you how to run your finances, Free Credit Idiot Guy, but if you’ve got all these problems with money, chances are you shouldn’t be dropping coin on riding roller coasters.  Seriously.

I’m just saying maybe this guy should have caught on by now.  Or the stuff he’s selling doesn’t make that much of a difference, because if he’s an example of the best you can do with their product, they’re not going to do too much for you.  Or maybe it’s truth in advertising, as long as you’re reading between the lines.  Or maybe they’re planning a big “I’m smart now and I finally got a job and fixed my credit and everything is great” line of advertisements.

All I know is that this guy doesn’t seem to know his ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to actual money sense.  So chances are slim that I’m gonna take his advice in terms of fixing my credit.  I’ll take the ones that are owed to me by the credit institutions and not pay for it.  Like I should.