Karl Klockars

I have been struggling with something for a little while now, and the best way I can think of to deal with it is to just throw it out into the open and see what happens.  I’m having a tough time dealing with the fact that Frances Bean Cobain is now 17 years old.  What the sweet eff.

All of this got me thinking about how, if we ever do decide to spawn, our children will make us completely crazy.  Because I feel like we’d end up with a Frances Bean of our own.  Don’t go insane trying to wrap your brain around personal comparisons to Kurt & Courtney or anything like that – I’m not going for that.  We’re far more alive and sober than those two, worry not.

But here’s the thing – Frances Bean seems to be…almost square.  The story of the square, preppy uptight parents having the punk rock, crazy kid is one that’s been told a million times already.  But where are the tales of the parents who were a little bit loopy on their own, a little bit out there – and they end up with a kid who only wants to go to law school and dresses like a librarian?

I’m not saying that we’re lunatic punk rock squatters who live off the grid, or that we’re dumpster diving freegans, but in terms of the grand scheme of things, the wife and I are a little bit more outside the norm than most.  We’re a couple of non-profit arts/dying media types, rock and roll players of the game and just as likely to drink all afternoon as we are to spend all day inside reading books about economics, politics, or cooking.  (That last one is usually me.  I’m a sucker for cookbooks.)

So when I see a frootloop like Courtney Love being led around by a clear-eyed, mainstream model-wannabe type like her daughter, it leads me to believe that even though that’s a pretty extreme example, there’s got to be more insane parents with straight-laced kids.  And I feel like I’d be in the same boat.

We’re not anywhere close to spawning, but we’ve talked about the eventual possibility of it – and we’re pretty sure we’d end up with the popular, pretty kid who goes on to be head cheerleader and prom queen.  Because that’s the polar opposite of what we have been and karma leads me to believe that you get stuck with a child that makes every attempt to be completely different than you.  It’s the way of the world.  The kids revolt – and try to go in a completely different direction than the parents.  It’s human nature.

So with the odd folks, the kid ends up being pretty and perfect.  And you know what?  I’m prepared for it.  In the long run, I’m sure it’s for the best.  I’m operating under the assumption that we’ll spawn a girl at some point.  But that’s just a hunch.  But I don’t know how I’m going to deal with:

• How to handle multiple dates for the big dance
• How to afford paying for that must-have cheer camp
• What’s more important – earning a new dress for Homecoming or spending time on the Spirit Commitee
• Getting that first job at Abercrombie or the Gap
• Having the newest mainstream top-40 CDs
• Whether to wear the pink North Face fleece with the Pink boots or not
• Whether the football captain or the basketball point guard will ask her out first

So many problems that I’ve never had to even consider.  I’m sure we’d be better at “no, joining the school band isn’t dorky!” and “look, I used to play role playing games too” and “I’m sure the girl scouts is worth the extra time” and “of course you can spend extra time at the library.”

But that’s the way the world works.  I’m prepared for the eventuality.  All we have to do is hit the lotto first.  We’ll see.