Dear World:
Considering the fact that about a half-dozen people all around the world will visit this site today, and maybe none will ever act on this proposal, I feel pretty safe about putting this out into the universe. Consider it a reason to get cracking on it, maybe.
So here’s the deal. I’ve been poking around, and I’ve seen a few pieces written about cell phones for kids. They’re all talking about who kids can call, and GPS tracking, and simple functions – all of that is fine for the toddlers who have to be able to text and call mom to pick them up from their “gifted program” kindergarten classes.
But here’s what I haven’t seen – any phones specifically designed for teenagers. And more specifically than that, phones designed to be purchased by terrified parents that are afraid of their underage daughter’s unmentionable bits ending up on the internet. Fear sells, sex sells, and putting these two together seems like an absolute goldmine for the intelligent company that can turn this around with a quickness.
It seems like a simple enough equation. You can start by augmenting the programming of your average ordinary camera-enabled cellphone with a touch of extra code requiring a password to use the camera. Of course, as soon as a terrified parent takes that phone out of the box at the store they can put in their password of choice (which is most likely going to be “dontlookatmydaughtersbreastsonmyspace”). That’s step one.
Step two, of course, is finding a forward-minded phone manufacturer that can restrain themselves enough to consider putting out a product that has less bells and whistles than the next guy. I know, I know, a device that doesn’t do everything the competitors does and gets the bubble gum out of your hair and fills out your Christmas Cards for you? The devil you say! But: it’ll sell.
Picture this advertisement:
ANNCR: “It’s 4pm. Do you know where your children are? Because in this day and age, your child could be all over the world – NAKED.”
CUT TO: Sleazy Teenage Boy holding up his cellphone. Camera pulls back to reveal a blonde teen-looking girl with her back to our camera, lifting up her shirt. We hear a digitized shutter-click and then Sleazy Teenage Boy grins and nods.
ANNCR: “Children all over the country are learning about the trend known as Sexting. All they need is a cellphone with a camera on it, an online photo account, and…”
- OMINOUS PAUSE –
ANNCR: “Their teenage genitals.”
CUT TO: Sleazy Teenage Boy sitting behind a computer.
CUT TO: Graphic of “uploading” status bar growing, then showing “Completed.”
CUT TO: Sleazy Teenage Boy grinning once again.
CUE SFX: TRUMPETS OF DOOM
ANNCR: “In this day and age, one tiny digital picture can ruin your child’s life. What if your son or daughter wants to grow up to be a doctor? A lawyer? A teacher? Or even, President of the United States?”
CUT TO: Photograph of Barack Obama.
ANNCR: “Fortunately, one company is here to help. Introducing the new NOSEXT from Motorola. It’s got everything your teenage son or daughter needs to keep in touch with friends and family – without a camera, so you can sleep peacefully knowing that your child won’t photograph themselves naked.
CUT TO: Dad behind computer, leering salaciously. Then he clicks, and his face turns to one of horror!
ANNCR: “Act now, and recieve two NOSEXTs for the price of one! Ensure that not only will your daughter not photograph herself, but neither will that shithead boyfriend of hers.”
CUT TO: Dad taking Sleazy Teenage Boy’s camera-enabled cellphone, and twisting it in half, breaking it into two pieces, then throwing it over his shoulder. Sleazy Teenage Boy’s shoulders sag in defeat. Dad glows in victory over the digitization of his daughters naughty bits.
ANNCR: The new Motorola NOSEXT. Peace of mind for you, and protection for your children. Until they go to college and then all bets are off. But just a word of advice – don’t be friends with them on Facebook. Just sayin’.
- FIN -
If anyone out there happens to be in a position of power at one of our fine cell phone companies, drop me a line. I’m easy to find. Let’s work together on making 2010 safer for our kids, and a hell of a lot better for me when I work out a deal to make a couple bucks on the sale of each of these things.