Karl Klockars

You may (but likely didn’t) notice the radio silence coming from Camp Moi over the past ten days or so.  This is because we were living the decadent life in beautiful Las Vegas, and I was terrified that if I tweeted anything about it we would be summarily robbed by social media burglars.  I’m sure this is the modern equivalent of the “flash your lights / get killed by gang members” urban legend, but better safe than sorry.

Anyways!

Prior to our departure, our local library offered up numerous tomes of wisdom about the city of Sin, but nothing specifically spoke to the Chicagoans among us who flee the winter months and get a little bit of mid-60s sunshine.  So, where there is a need and a niche to fill, here I am, back and refreshed and ready to drop some serious tourism Science.  Without further ado, here are some of the basic Chicagoan need-to-know data points.  Thank me later with chips or free play to any MGM Mirage property.

1)  Yes, you can walk anywhere.

Everyone always talks about how much of a “walking city” Las Vegas is.  They tell you, pack extra cab money.  Buy the monorail passes for unlimited rides.  Know what buses run up and down the strip.  And all of that is great advice.  For everyone else.

My tireless staff of researchers have crunched the numbers, and from Mandalay Bay at the south, all the way up to Stratosphere at the north-assed end of the strip, it is a grand total of (drum roll please)…under 2 miles.  And you know what?  You’re never going to walk that far.  So don’t sweat it.

For a little bit of perspective, you know how long the Strip is if you dropped it into Chicago?  The piece of road that basically makes up the whole of Las Vegas?  If you’ve ever walked from the north end of the Magnificent Mile – say, by the Drake – down to the Congress Hotel.  That’s it.  It’s a bit of a hike, but you could do it if you had to.  You’ve probably done it without even thinking about it when the buses get backed up.  And that’s Las Vegas.

If you’ve got a hotel room in the center of the strip?  You’ll go one way one day, one way the other.  And then you’ll wander all around the casinos and go back home.  No worries.  Staying at the south end of the Strip?  You’ll have no problems wandering up about as far as, oh, say, the Venetian.  Take a cab to Fremont Street.  That’s a ways.  And honestly, anything north of the Venetian is just going to remind you of the motels on North Lincoln Avenue, so don’t feel obligated to get up there too rapidly.

2)  Here’s where you should eat.

You, as a Chicagoan, are unbelievably spoiled when it comes to good food.  (Or, perhaps, I’m terribly spoiled by all the places that I tend to drag us to for food.  Either way.)  There are so many different places in Chicago where you can get cuisine that’s pretty similar if not superior to the places in Vegas.  This is in some ways good, in others, bad.

It’s good because you don’t have to waste your time with boring unimpressive food.  You can save your calories for the stuff that’s truly awesome.  The problem is finding it.  Herein lies the bad.  Go to Burger Bar by Hubert Keller?  You’ll no doubt only be able to compare it to Kuma’s.  Go to a fancypants cocktail bar?  You’ll only compare it to Violet Hour.  Thai food?  German food?  So on.  You get the idea.

But – when you find something good, it’s really good.  You just have to blow a good $200 on it or so.  So:  Get some deli at Carnegie in the Mirage.  Get yourself a hot dog from Pinks  (even though it really does suffer from comparisons to…well, everywhere).  And for gods sake, get a half-yard of something with rum in it and get drunk in public, simply because you can.  This leads us to:

3)  Embrace the Happy Hour.  Love the Happy Hour.

One of the things I completely hate about Chicago is our draconian rules about when and where one can imbibe intoxicants.  This is in direct contrast to Las Vegas where you can wake up and buy a bottle of rotgut vodka at 7am on a Sunday.  24/7 open bars mean the options for debauchery are much expanded, but be honest.  They’re 2 hours earlier there so it’s probably just enough of a chore to get to 1am.  (Unless you’ve got blow.  In which case you’re not concerned about laws about drinking anyways.)

But!  Your worries and concerns about spending all your discretionary funds on alcohol are for naught!  Because in Las Vegas (and other places, but we’re not concerned about that) you can plan all your boozing around the Happy Hour.  Why we in Chicago can’t take a few hours in the after-work timespan of the day to have a few drinks at reduced prices are completely beyond me, but thankfully Vegas picks up our slack.

Long story short, you can spend $8 for a bottle of Corona at some club at 11pm, or you can spend $2 for a draft beer at a restaurant and grab some cheap shrimps or something at the same time as well.  Or reduced prices on well drinks or $4 wine or something along those lines.  It’s awesome, and since you’re on vacation you really do all your best drinking during daytime hours anyways.  Don’t sweat not staying up til’ all hours of the night.  That’s nothing but trouble.

Finally…

5)  Know your timing.

I intentionally didn’t look at the weather forecast before we went out because I knew it’d be better than Chicago regardless, and that’s one of the main reasons why we went out there.  If you want to escape a grey midwestern wintry experience, you could do worse than Vegas, but at least be aware of the fact that you probably won’t be lounging by the pool.

In fact, when we got in, the pool wasn’t even open.  Alas.

So, spending part of your February in Vegas isn’t a terrible idea, but don’t plan on getting much color.  Just be aware.  Mid-60s is about where you’ll be in terms of temperature, and while I could probably have dealt with that just because I’m stubborn and wanted to go swimming, just go to Mexico if it’s that important.

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This is just a short primary list of all the things you might want to know, but these are the big ones.  Everything else you’ll probably figure out quickly enough on your own, or you won’t need, but I wanted to make you aware of these.  Or just put them in writing so I can remember before we head back out next time.

Tomorrow:  The real Sin of Sin City.