Karl Klockars

A few rye whiskey manhattans and one random infomercial and the world’s musical scene changed forever. (This could be hyperbole – it might just be the area’s musical scene damaged for good.)  A flash of brilliance passed around the room, and on the heels of Pitchfork I’ve decided on the future of sound.  All of this happened at approximately 10:23 p.m. last evening, in case you heard something resembling thunder or the laughter of gods.

The awesomeness known as MANswers came on last night, which under normal circumstances could (and probably will) move me to create a thousand words about the Greatest Show on Television You’ve Never Heard Of. (It is.)  Between segments about breasts and booze and firearms* they showed one of those ubiquitous commercials for the POWER BALLADS megamix of old 80′s tunes.

In an offhanded, casual remark, I said “You know, I made a mix like this once.  Called it ‘Leg For Sure’ from that one Van Ha-” and before I could complete the vocalized thought I found myself already springing toward my dusty CD case.  (“What’s a see-dee?” I expect to hear someday.  Sigh.)

Before I knew it, we were rocking out to hot tracks from hairballs like Cinderella, Slaughter, Firehouse and other icons of the cocaine age.  And after listening to dippy lyric after reverb-drenched guitar solo followed by Sebastian Bach, it struck me:

Why is there no “all power ballad” tribute band?

We have bands devoted to Pink Floyd, to Led Zeppelin, to Guns N’ Roses and Metallica and even Tool.  We have bands devoted specifically to the age of hair-metal…so why not a subgenre therein?  Were I a more active individual, I would get this off the ground posthaste, but alas, my chops have slipped.  No bitchin solos for me for the time being…but someday soon, perhaps.

But: Even if my grand scheme to drip schmaltzy tunes over crowds around Chicago doesn’t pan out (or the sub-sub-plan to cover them all, bluegrass style) I predict that we will indeed see the return of the bitchin’ power ballad.  As sure as Chevy brought back the Camaro, the music world will find someone who is secure enough to sing about missing a girl in a thoroughly non-emo style.

Despite being written for and about throwaway floozies met and discarded on the road, all of these songs are sung without any sort of irony, any self-affacement or any sort of “I know I’m being dippy but I’m in on the joke” attitude.  These dudes were for real – or at least as real as you can be on gallons of Jim Beam and mile-long rails of blow.

Now I’m not the most clued in guy in the world when it comes to current music, but I have a hard time imagining anyone in the Strokes being able to pull off something like Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue (where are those damned umlauts…)** and not get laughed off the stage.  No one is that true to heart any more and the world is a poorer place for it.

However, we’re due for a resurgence.  Kurt Cobain blew up the power ballad pretty completely in 1991 and although Bon Jovi never got that memo, we haven’t seen much in terms of power balladry since then.  It’s only taken a couple decades or so, but I think the splinters could be reformed.

The world is growing tired of the postured irony of the hipster movement.  The world is ready for a more sincere version of artist – or at least someone who’s got the balls to get onstage and sing songs of the likes of “Baby, you’re the only one for me” again to a crowd full of dudes in leather and motorcycle jackets.

Plus, we need more prom songs that aren’t written by Katy Perry.

I’m not saying I’m going to be that artist.  But there’s a void to be filled and it’s not going to come from Nickelback.  The power ballad is coming back, if only to come up with new material for the compilation CD to be released 20 years from now.

Who is the Britny Fox and Kix for a new generation?  There are arguments to be made that they’ll come from the My Chemical Romance mold, but I think we can go purer than that.  We always look back to go forward, and if emo is emulating the aggression of the hair-acts with a different goofy uniform, why wouldn’t the sap of the power ballad not be next?

*This could describe any episode of MANswers ever.

**This post now contains your daily recommended dose of parenthetical phrases.