Karl Klockars

Remember those long CD boxes? It was in one of those.

This is probably the only time that it’ll be okay to admit this:  One of the first CDs I ever owned was Michael Jackson’s “Dangerous.”  Take that with a grain of salt – at the time I was about 12 years old and hadn’t really discovered what this whole “music” thing was all about.  Having been brought up in a radio-free Catholic school world where “music” was basically just hymns and cartoon theme songs, I had only ever heard about that Michael Jackson guy.

I purchased the disc from a “record store” (a what?) in a “shopping mall” (a where?) and played it over and over again on my “Discman”  (now you’re just talkin’ crazy talk).  Between reading comic books and playing role playing games all by myself in my room, I probably listened to the “Dangerous” record a few thousand times.

(This was also at the time when I was figuring out what rock n’ roll was – Nirvana’s “Nevermind” came out at around the same time and what a weird time to be walking that fine line between boyhood and manhood than with a MJ record and the record that redefined rock n’ roll for an entire decade.  A weird time to be 12 or 13 and a male in suburbia.)

"I CA-AN ONLY SIIIING LIKE THI-III-IIIIS"

All of this is just to say:  It’s hard to listen to the positively-glowing Jennifer Hudson rocking out yesterday to “Will You Be There” (and I dare you to find a song that she hasn’t over-warbled) and not hear it as an absolute cry for help.  I realize that everyone on earth is going back and hearing new messages in Jackson’s songs.  But just imagine the guy has locked himself in a tiny little recording booth surrounded by sycophants back in 1991 or whatever, and has penned a song that basically says “when I get totally effed up, are you going to have my back?”

Obviously, no one with any ability to lend a hand did.

Furthermore, I might be the only person on the planet that isn’t a die-hard crazygonuts fan (and there are certainly plenty that we’ve seen over the last few days) that thinks he really, honestly, truly, might not have done all that crazy kiddie shit he was accused of over the years.  Really.  I’ll remove my head from the sand that you think I’ve gotten it stuck in, and repeat myself:

I think he might not have done it.

Here’s my rationale:  Anyone crazy enough to go on world-wide television and be so open about the whole spending-time-in-bed thing is probably not hiding anything else.  If I was interested in keeping everything under wraps in terms of kid-touching, I probably wouldn’t mention anything about the bed thing.  I honestly believe he was so lost in his own completely asexual world, that the idea of fooling around with their junk was lost on him.

The idea that he paid people off to stay quiet – 22 million or whatever it was – doesn’t hold water as well.  I saw someone had written that maybe you throw a hundred grand at an allegation like that to go away.  Listen:  To Michael Jackson, 22 Million was the equivalent of a hundred thousand to most of us.  His scale of cash was completely offkilter from the rest of humanity.

Much like the rest of his life.  I completely buy the idea that he grew up so crazy and was born to be sexless and that the guy just wanted to have a little fun when he could.  Haven’t we all met someone that was just completely and naturally wide-eyed and innocent?  People that just don’t comprehend the filth and innuendo that most of us pepper our conversations with every day as a replacement for humor?  I have.  Maybe one of them just happened to be the most talented performer and musician of a generation.

Just sayin: Pajamas are probably the prime kid-care wear.

And with that:  Let’s all shut up.  I know it’s too stupid to ever happen, but wouldn’t it be nice if we all considered the story over with the rolling-out of the casket?  If we could all just clap our hands together and collectively say “well, that was said.  Let’s go back to real life now.”  Not bloody likely, as they say.  But it shure would be nifty.

After watching the entire 3+ hour Tribute, followed by TV talking heads, followed by Dateline’s recapping and rehashing, followed by local news giving their useless take, followed by Today’s morning-after BS “in case you missed absolutely everything yesterday” re-recap…I think we’ve all said our piece.

Including me.

But if someone hears a really good MJ joke, there’s always room for those.