Karl Klockars

In the wake of things like “crazy guy flies into IRS offices” and the like, I’ve been thinking about how the internet has empowered the lunatics among us to feel like the whole world owes them a few thousand unique viewers or pageviews when they go and do whatever lunacy they’re gonna do.

Considering the way that the press works, as well as the way law enforcement would very likely appreciate some sort of note or explanation as to why Violent Crazy Du Jour has done what he’s done, I’d like to take this opportunity to suggest to you crazypants types one thing:  Please Write a Manifesto.

Doesn’t that sound great?  “Manifesto.”  Because you know that’s what the afternoon anchor on CNN is going to call it first and foremost. When the local press starts refeeding their video to the national networks, and the underpaid/overworked local reporter is on the scene and in way over their head, they’re going to revert to the scripts and cliches they’ve already built into their brains.

It’s how it works.  Trust me.  So here’s a few tips should you decide to pour your life out onto the page before you do what you really shouldn’t be doing.

1)  It’s gotta be long.

The more evidence you leave behind, the more you’ll be inspected and picked apart by authors and and authorities alike.  If you can write it out in an 8-point font, singlespace, and go on for pages and pages, please do.  Remember Spacey’s character in Se7en?  All those notebooks?  Take a cue from him.  Document everything.

2)  It’s gotta be rambling.

Listen, you’ve been following rules for so long, it’s time to let those childhood English teachers twist in the wind.  Say whatever you want.  Even if it makes no sense whatsoever.  Especially if it makes no sense whatsoever.  Feel free to exaggerate everything, use poor punctuation, capitalize Things that Shouldn’t necessarily Be Capitalized, and above all, don’t be afraid to write incomplete

3)  You’ve gotta blame someone.

If the government, that’s great.  If a corporation, that’s great too.  Keep one thing in mind:  The press is going to spend at least 24 hours, possibly more, dissecting any political inferences from whatever you right, so play with that knowledge.  Throw them a bone.  Blame (or praise) Sean Hannity and Bill Ayers.  That’ll get their heads scratching for a few hours, and really make Rush Limbaugh mad that he wasn’t mentioned.

4)  If possible, work in something cryptic.

If you’re really enterprising, write your own language.  The Zodiac killer may have had to spend a few extra hours putting together his little cryptogram to mail out to the newspapers, but you know what it got him?  A g-d feature length film directed by David Fincher.  A little extra effort goes a long way.  If you don’t feel like all that, just praise your dog or say that a llama made you do it.  Just please, at least be original.

5)  Not a writer?  Succinctness works too!

In the mid-2000s I worked as a truck driver/delivery guy, and listened to a lot of radio news.  When the whole DC Sniper thing was going on, I’ll never forget the radio reporter reading the AP bulletin saying that police had found a playing card where it had been written: “Dear Mr. Policeman: I am god.”

That stuff sticks with you.

6)  Don’t forget to email!

No one’s going to know where your huge hunk of insane blithering is unless you tell them.  Remember: if it’s worth spending a week writing on a typewriter in your basement room where you’ve painted all the walls black, it’s worth sending to your local investigative reporter team.  At the very least, you’ll help him/her earn a local Emmy, so you can at least accomplish something good with whatever you’re planning to do.  Give back!

7) Timing is everything.

If you’re not e-savvy, remember that it’ll take at least a day or two to get something through the mail if you want Brian Williams (or some nameless NBC News drone) to get their grubbly paws all over your hunk of text or rambling video.  Don’t forget – multi-media is always preferable to the press.

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So, those are the basics.  You don’t have to follow all of them to the letter.  Besides, if you’re planning on doing something batshit insane, you’re probably pretty much done following the rules of society, so one little blog-writing idiot shouldn’t have too much sway over you.

I’m just here to try to get as much information from lunatics into the world of the blogosphere as possible, before it’s too late.  All those thoughts running around in your disconnected, misfiring brain should at least get put down somewhere, so when someone comes looking, we at least have something to spend a day talking about.

Do us all a favor, and remember the underlying rule above all:  Leave A Manifesto.  Remember this, and for fuck’s sake, don’t do anything stupid.  In the best case scenario, you would write all this down or make your tapes or whatever, and then do nothing.  A life of posting tin-foil hat theories to web forums is surely preferable to dying in an explosion of gasoline, I’m guessing.  So I hope you don’t have to take any of these to heart.  I’m just saying, if you absolutely have to…

…you know.  Besides, they’re watching, and they already know too.  So tell the rest of us.