Karl Klockars

Hi, Mr. President.  Listen, I know it’s been a while since I wrote you, but you seem like you’ve got your situation pretty much on lock and haven’t needed my services.  But this whole beer summit thing, besides being entirely ridiculous, needs a serious rehaul to be even the slightest bit entertaining.

And let me say before we really get into it here, I think it’s awesome that you like beer.  You’ve even said inre: your Hannity conversations, that you’re “always good for a beer.”  This is a welcome change of pace from the previous administration, where I think a lot of us feared that we were just one bender away from the End Times.

But here’s the deal, Mr. President:  I know, deep down in my heart of hearts, that you don’t drink Bud Light.  I’m willing to lay solid currency that says even in your broke-assed undergraduate days you didn’t like Bud Light.  You may have made certain concessions to financial situations – I’ve got a few silo cans of Busch in my refridgerator crisper as evidence that it happens to all of us.

No, Mr. President, when it comes to beer choice you can’t fool us.  When you’re in town you get dinner at Alinea, at Schwa, at Spiaggia.  You’re not here to pick up Portillo’s, sir.  And you’re not popping the top on a good old fashioned macrobrew when you sit down with some of the city’s finest molecular gastronomy.

If I had to peg you as a drinker of anything, sir, I think you’re more of an ale or a porter kind of guy.  Lager is too run-of-the-mill, stouts don’t seem to fit, and I hesitate to designate anyone as an IPA drinker because that’s impossible for me to nail down.  (I didn’t even know I was one for the longest time, and it surprised me when I found out otherwise.)

The Blue Moon and Red Stripe are tolerable choices when it comes to your drinking companions this evening, even if the shine has worn thin from the Blue Moon (and it’s a Coors product, an angle in this race-tinged story which I’m surprised hasn’t been covered by that damned liberal Mainstream Media yet) and Red Stripe is a beer of last resort more often than not.

So more power to them.  But what, good sir, would you really be drinking if you weren’t bound and determined to seem so non-elitist.  What’s that?  You’re surprised I had you pegged in that regard?  Oh, come on.  The only way you could be wanting to more relate to the mainstream American beer drinker is if you were slamming PBR cans and crushing them on your head.  (For future reference, that is the Sarah Palin voter base.)

Here’s a few beers that I would pair with your meeting this evening:

Two Brothers Hop Juice:  Not only does this brew come from the suburbs of your beloved Chicago, it’s a little bitter (like the taste of this whole brew-ha-ha [get it?] in the eyes of the media) from the hops but overall it’s got a lot of malty goodness to it and a nice thick body.  Plus, if you’ve got it in a 22oz bottle, the teetotaling press these days will think it’s a 40 and start crowing about more racism.  Then you break out the bomber and show ‘em up.  Bla-dow.

Rogue’s Chipotle Ale:  This is a medium-bodied brew with a hint of chile spice on the tail end.  It’s damn good, and the press can have a field day with the fiery beer relating to the issue stoking the flames of race relations.  Plus, the red of the label looks a bit demonic from a distance and all the frootloops that think you’re the Antichrist can have a little more ammo to work with.  You know, just for fun.

Dark Horse’s Reserve Special Black Ale:  It’s got a donkey on the label which would be a little something nice for the DNC.

And hey, if all else fails – you’ve got a goddamn beer named after you.  Throw the Kenyans a bone and slam a bottle on camera once or twice.  Although the Chicagoan in me would love to see a tallboy of Old Style on that picnic table this evening even though that’s a lot more “Wrigleyville” than it is “First Sox Fan.”

Okay.  I’m going to let you think about this for a while (perhaps over an arugula salad, you filthy elitist) and I hope to see some quality beer in front of you instead of that macrobrew pisswater.  You always like to appeal to the Europeans as well, and ain’t no one going to be fans of you after tossing back what you’re saying you will.  This is nothing less than a matter of international policy.

No pressure tho.  Have fun drinking the most famous beers on the planet tonight.