Karl Klockars

Hey, did you notice that a guy named Anthony Bourdain was in town last weekend?  Oh, you didn’t hear about it?  It’s true – he sat down with numerous ticketholders at a theater in Waukegan and talked about…well, we don’t know.  Because nobody really reported on it.  At least, not after the fact.

While you, Dear Reader, might not make much of one upper-level food television personality appearing in the Chicago area, food writers around here practically filled their pants when Tony Bourdain came to Chicago to tape his “No Reservations” show here about 18 months ago.  It was practically a city-wide game of telephone where every message started with “I heard Tony was at…” followed by some tiny hole-in-the-wall joint or a 4-star joint that takes weeks to get into.  People were making entire online postings about taking a cellphone photo of the back of his head.  It was insane, and in the wake of the ridiculousness, I wrote this.

And now, he comes to town, and no one cares.  Wait!  Strike that!  One person cares* – and they cared enough to do a tiny little piece in the Vernon Hills Review, a STMG paper that – while I’m glad it still exists – isn’t exactly the USA Today.  And I bet the coupons are better in the VHR.  But I digress.  We’ll get back to this piece in just a sec.

I’ve had a problem with the collective output of Tony Bourdain as it relates to his audience reach for a while now.  The guy is fawned over by nearly everyone, including for a while, me.**  He is adored for his willingness to publicly shoot the fish in the barrel that are Sandra Lee and Rachael Ray.  His show is probably running on the Travel Channel right now as you read this – and if not, it’s his buddy Zimmern eating Bizarre Foods.  I have yet to read any real criticism of the guy.

So allow me to present some.  For what he’s created – a few seasons of television and a couple books – he’s been granted a tremendous amount of foodie goodwill.  But is he still earning it?  According to the VHR piece, there’s a book coming out next year – but who’s to say it’s not just a rehashing of his piddly blogs put up on the Travel Channel site?  After his last book was nothing more than a photolog of shots taken during the shooting of his TV show, I’m not drooling in anticipation.

I’m not saying his show isn’t good.  I’m not saying that Kitchen Confidential, and to a lesser degree, The Nasty Bits, aren’t good pieces of writing.  (Oh, and Nasty Bits was a collection of articles, too.  Just patched together repurposed info.)  I’m saying that based on the past few years of output, he’s been less than impressive in terms of what he’s actually created.  Depending on how you look at it, I’ve done more food writing than he has in the past 18 months.  Where’s my adulation and TV program?  Travel Channel, you know where to find me.

I could go on, but Bourdain actually makes my point for me, which is rather gracious of the gentleman.  He says:

“Why am I going to read a five-page New York Times article on Singaporean food when there’s some unpaid nerd blogging about it, especially when that guy made eating his life’s work?”

Therein lies the question.  If you have such a passion for it, Mr. Bourdain… why aren’t you writing about it?  I don’t need you to tweet every meal, but as someone who has supposedly devoted his life’s work to eating – just like that “unpaid nerd” you graciously mentioned above – why don’t you write about it?  It’s not hard.  I’m doing it right now.  And, naturally, not getting paid for it.  I’m not sure where this disdain for this comes from – perhaps the idea that only fools write for free – but it’s palpable.  And hard to understand.  Is it that threatening?

Hell, Rick Bayless can’t stop tweeting, and the guy just opened a brand new joint that is slammed pretty regularly.  He’s more of a food writer than Bourdain is at this point, and that’s at 140 characters at a time.  I know the guy just had a kid, and sure, that takes time, but I guarantee that a Bourdain screed about the pros and cons of Gerber baby food would be more interesting than most of the other blithering out there.

I would be more than willing to accept any explanation – until you get to the end of the aforementioned VPR piece.  One lonely little comment hangs out at the end of the piece – and it’s apparently written by one “a bourdain.”

You know what?  I’m inclined to believe it’s actually him.  While there’s apparently not enough time in the day to do what made you internationally known – writing about food – there’s plenty of time to track down the tiny bit of press you did for an appearance in a Chicago suburb and tear down the writer.

It wasn’t a great piece, to be certain, but I can’t even comprehend why someone would bother to take the time to click through the Google Alert he’s undoubtedly set up for his name (and if I’m right, which I’m guessing I am – Hi Tony!) and pick apart a freelancer for a less-than-tiny paper…but would consider it a waste of time to actually do what most of your career has been built off of.  But hey, that’s just me.  Unpaid nerd.  Or something.

Listen, Tony, I ain’t madatcha.  You’re a good writer.  You deserve (most of) your accolades.  And you strike me as the kind of guy who would and should be behind a keyboard compulsively, typing away about the majesty of the life you lead, more than just a couple hundred words every couple of weeks.  And I’m sure you’re a very nice individual who it would be great to drink beers with at, say, the Matchbox sometime.  I guess I’m just wondering why there’s such a lack of anything coming from the Bourdain keyboard.  I want to believe you still like doing this stuff as much as some of the rest of us do.  But based on what I’m seeing – and not seeing -  it’s tough to keep thinking that.

* There was a Daily Herald piece, but it covers a lot of the same ground.  Publican, Hot Dougs, L20, duck fat, fin.

**I’ve devoured Kitchen Confidential…3? times now?  It’s still a great read.  That doesn’t change things.