Karl Klockars

Autumn! A chill is back in the air, grey skies feel right for a change, and football is on television again. Leaves are getting just a bit redder in this early September climate, and my internal beer-clock is resetting itself to thick stouts, dark Germans and just about anything with pumpkin in it. It’s a sure bet – in all races and in every beauty contest, fall wins.

Pumpkin-riffic. -Tastic. I don’t care. It’s fall beer.

It’s a complete 180 from grade school – every kid abhors fall because it means the incoming school year is just about to bombard them with knowledge, and who wants that? Not only that, but the sun goes down earlier, and it’s much harder to play outside when it’s pitch black. Ever tried to play catch when you can’t see a damn thing? It’s an excellent way to end up with baseball-sized bruises on faces.

Television is about to get better – unless you consider VH1′s “Rock of Sluts”, er, “Rock of Love” to be the apex of broadcasting quality. Networks roll out their new shows since everyone is back to work, no more vacation, back to school, let’s all sit in front of the TV instead of raking leaves.

Movies are about to get better – now that the orgy of CGI films and blow-shit-up moviemaking of SUMMER 2007 has come and gone. (It’s somewhat ironic that the final shoot ‘em up movie of the summer is called Shoot ‘Em Up.) Oscar season will be driving up the quality level of flicks rather than the body counts. Which is not to say that movies with high levels of death can’t be great – just look at Dawn of the Dead. Or Commando.

Get to the chopper.

Being out in public is already getting better – because all you damned kids are off my lawn and back in school. It’s already possible to get a cup of coffee at 11am, sit down, read a newspaper on a Tuesday and not be bothered by anything else than the endless repeat of McCartney songs. Shopping can be completed without worrying about kicking anything that lives below the sightline. Even though you might want to.

Drinking will get better – it’s possible to drink more than 3 Guinness without feeling like an hot house watermelon. Nice thick beers with the consistency of motor oil go down better with the crisp air of a fall day around you. Football on television only enhances the experience, and a plate of freshly fried chicken wings in front of you completes the trifecta.

It’s got a freaking snowman on the label. I’m such a sellout.

Not to mention the seasonal pumpkin beers, winter beers, Christmas ales, turkey lagers and the like that rear their heads when the Equinox hits. This will be year #3 of me apologizing to myself for drinking a Budweiser product – but the Vanilla Bourbon Cask Ale is just too god-blessed good. I’m sorry, beer gods. Please forgive.

Just plain ol’ living gets better – I’m laying here in jeans and a t-shirt and I could stand to throw on a sweater. Cool life is a better life. Hot temperatures makes people mad. The problems in the middle east could get solved with proper central AC. Cooler temps leads to cooler people, leads to cooler heads. Fall seasonality saves lives.

Autumn is also nothing without – oh god, I’m saying it – Starbucks. Or any specialty coffee joint that has jumped on the bandwagon of ladling pumpkin and cinnamon into their lattechinos for our fall enjoyment. I actually went online to search out the date that the pumpkin coffees were being released.

I’d shoot up pumpkin if I could. Just watch me.

Then I called the Olde North Pancake House to find out when their pumpkin pancakes with pumpkin syrup were being served. I’m already planning an entire weekend around this particular plate of breakfast. It involves drive-in movies, hotel stays, random overdoses of nostalgia and a general love for all things autumn-y. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Monday Night Football. Corn. Chili. I think I have a problem. Please help.