02
06/09
In Defense of Clowns.
These guys look nice, don't they?
Why all the hatred towards clowns?
Seriously, all they’re trying to do is bring mirth, merriment and joy to children around the world. They’re right up there with mimes and acrobats and those gymnasts that wave the ribbons around and throw hoops. You know, those guys. All here to carry forward love and joy and happiness.
Hating clowns is like loving bacon. Everyone does it. Nobody gives it any real consideration. It’s a kneejerk reaction that comes from a place of thoughtlessness. I’m more interested in the person that loves clowns and hates bacon.
“Scared of clowns” returns almost 700,000 results, and that’s not including “clowns are creepy” or “clowns should die” or any other related searches. There is an Ihateclowns.com. And there’s an anti-clown pub crawl in Chicago coming up soon. What’s the deal, folks? What have clowns ever done to you?
It's going to be okay. Just breathe. Breathe.
Fearing clowns is also a safe fear. You don’t have to be worried about looking odd by fearing clowns. You don’t have to go into mixed company and worry about being teased for your phobia of cardboard paper. (A guy at high school – a theater type – claimed to have a phobia of cardboard paper. Paper bags, pieces of paper, the like. I never really thought it was for real but at least it was original.) They say “everyone is afraid of something” and it’s pretty acceptable to shrug off that idea by copping out with clowns.
You may recall, Faithful Listener, when I performed a bit of a social experiment. During the Great Bacon Love-in that was 2007-08 I used Facebook to throw up a flag. Who can resist sharing their undying love for bacon? No one! And I proved it with a Status Update which garnered immediate response. Within seconds, people were happy to discuss their bacon fetish.
A similar experiment resulted in dramatic results. Names and faces have been [REDACTED] to protect the innocent and guilty clownfearers alike. Not entirely sure why I also deleted my info on there, because it’s not like you haven’t figured out what I look like by now. But I’m at work and not thinking clearly.
Click to inspect the awesomeness of my MS Paint-work.
Not only does everyone hate clowns, they violently hate clowns. We have been bred as a culture to find fearing clowns acceptable. Hating clowns is like wearing khakis. Bland, unoriginal, acceptable. Hating clowns is like sneezing. It’s something that comes out of you pretty much unprompted. Plus, there’s often mucus involved.
This one simple reference to not understanding the hatred of clowns brought forth a flurry of outrage, confusion and fear. Who dare not hate clowns? It’s like I said I liked kicking puppies. I wonder how terrified my friends would be were I to…I don’t know, join Clown College? Would they still claim to be scared of me? Or would they shun me based on some sort of fake phobia? (If that’s the case, then my friends are terrible and don’t like me anyways. Which is likely.)
"Hi. I'm way creepier than clowns."
Look, I get it. They’re grown men and women, dressed up funny, trying to appeal to little kids. Priests do the same thing and yet it’s not cool to say you’re scared of them, is it? Ronald McDonald is a clown and he’s joy personified. And yet, the Burger King isn’t a clown, yet he’s dressed up funny, and he’s terrifying. The scale both is wide and deep, and there’s no real good reason to be scared of clowns.
You know, except for Pennywise. And Gacy. And all the other things as listed above. I get it. But certainly clowns are no creepier than mimes. No creepier than puppets. And certainly no less creepy than those guys who paint themselves all in silver and try to get your pocketchange by doing the “robot” on Michigan Avenue. Now that’s the stuff of nightmares. Why aren’t we starting websites called Ihatecreepysilverguys.com?
Okay, yeah, the Gacy thing is really creepy. I'll grant you that.
Perhaps this is all veering into a greater topic – my personal aversion to joining any sort of mass-cool movement. Not just aversion – my strange need to point out unfortunate GroupThink and then go the opposite way. Either way, every clown I’ve ever encountered – a small number – have been fine individuals. Not a single one tried to molest me, eat me, or drag me to hell.
In addition, clowns are often jugglers and even magicians. Everyone likes jugglers (to a point), and magic is at least a skill. Clowns have a lot more to offer than just small-car-riding, big-shoe wearing and facepainting. I’m not saying you need to get over your kneejerk fears. But maybe you could face them a little better. Don’t run up and hug a clown or anything, you know? Don’t go crazy and download some clown porn or the like.
But the next time anyone mentions clowns, I double-dog-dare you to not immediately ejaculate “ohmygodIhateclowns” without thinking. Please. Do it for the children. We can bring clowns back from the brink.