Karl Klockars

I enjoy being a person that defies expectations. It’s good to not get too predictable. And I almost always enjoy breaking Man-Rules, just because I can. So when it was decided that we (the wife and I) would spend a couple hours in the air-conditioned splendor of the movie theater, in the company of four white mostly incompetent women in New York, I didn’t kick, I didn’t scream. I went in with a completely open mind. I really wanted to like it. If only just to spite John Kass. But no. I couldn’t do it.

The Sex And The City movie is about a year in one woman’s life, which, despite all laws of physics, actually felt like an entire year. I don’t know how they manage to bend time and space to make 130 minutes seem like 365 days, but they did it. It is also a movie almost entirely free of conflict – the first 45 minutes (i.e.: the first 3 months) is complete Bridal Porn. Everything is hunky-dory, life is perfect, She’s Having A Wedding. There is literally almost 5 minutes of the film listing fashion designers and then showing their wedding dresses. Drool-inducing label-whore pornography for idiot woman-children everywhere. And it only got worse.

So rather than give a blow-by-blow recap of What Made This Movie Suck, I figured a short list of lessons would be better for us all. This way, we can all take away some of the wisdom that I gained and no one else has to be hurt by this travesty. (And if you’re curious, my MGGTFG:SATC plan would have totally worked.  If I had brought that knapsack full of Cosmos I would have knocked ‘em dead – but then they’d have ditched me after I threw up the booze all over myself  from watching this tripe. Uck.)  Come then – let’s learn. (more…)